The Love Boat Sails On

As I mentioned in my Love Boat post a few months ago, I used to work on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. Now I am fortunate enough to sail on one as a passenger. It’s a nice way to revive my soul after the ultra labour intensive office work (i.e. sitting on a cushioned chair and typing on a computer…don’t try this at home kids) I do in my real life.

In my other post, I listed some questions cruise ship passengers should never ask the cruise staff while onboard. This week, I will post a series of articles which will provide additional cruise information you may want to be aware of before embarking on this type of journey.

• This is the most important tip ever so if you remember nothing else, remember this: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get in the way of other passengers and their food. Passengers are like crazed animals that have never seen food before if they are in an area where food is being served. You must be like the US government and be in a state of constant high alert (code red…or is it orange?) so that you are not trampled. People get very angry with you if you somehow interfere with them getting food quickly so take note of this when in the buffet area or by the pool where they serve French fries and hamburgers.

• Be prepared to meet some fellow passengers who have very cool jobs which will make your office job seem even more dull than usual.
  
  There’s one passenger who I continually ran into on the islands who is a host of a travel show in the US. Her job this week is to tape her cruise ship experiences and update the pictures and video to Twitter and Facebook. Sign me up for that gig. I can tape my snorkeling in Dominica or beaching experience on St Kitts with the monkeys. Why on earth has my insurance company not asked me to do this?
  
  Instead I work away at designing a training program which involves explaining in pain staking detail the subtle nuances of a calculator used to assess the proper value of a commercial building (and by “commercial building” I do not mean a building that is used to film television commercials…it’s even more lackluster than that if you can believe it).
  
  On the way home from the cruise, I met a couple of men in the airport who had pretty interesting jobs. One was a stand-up comedian (I prefer to sit which is why I never made it as a stand-up comic). The other man was a teacher of theatrical stage sword fighting. Who knew this was a job? I should have got his contact information. Sword fighting could give a whole new meaning to the liability training seminars I run.
  
  
• If travelling with the aforementioned TV personality, be aware that your beach experiences and by beach experiences I mean those times you are basically-naked-in-your-bikini-which-you-thought-no-one-back-home-would-see-you-in, is being videotaped and will air in Texas and be posted on the internet. Great (please note the sarcasm in my voice when I write “great”).
  
  
  
• Any diva like tendencies that you had before the cruise will be significantly magnified when you return from the cruise. Upon your return, every minor task is daunting. Things like making yourself look even semi-presentable, making meals and driving your car seem like climbing Mount Everest. A trip to the grocery store is almost unfathomable because of the sheer intensity of effort that’s required.
  
  This is because your cruise life is a fantasy world and your real life is likely not. It is easy to become accustomed to people serving you fabulous meals and looking happy to see you, having your cabin cleaned twice a day and receiving chocolates on your pillow before you go to bed (note: do not sit on the chocolates when wearing white pants!).
  
  On the cruise, my main concerns were the following: what bathing suit to wear, am I wearing enough suntan lotion and what food will I eat because there’s so much to choose from. Life was simple because many people were doing things for me.
  
  Today my concern is, how will I stay warm and cope with the frigid temperatures for the next 3 – 4 months, what food will I eat as I have nothing in the house, and is it really necessary to wear makeup, comb my hair and put on non-wrinkled clothes when I leave my house?Is there not a group of people to help me with all of this? Maybe there's some sort of I'm-a-diva-who-went-on-a-cruise-and-now-can't-cope-with-the-basic-activities-of-daily-living support group I can go to.