My Productive Week At Work

Caution: Reading this blog will be more amusing if you meet one of the following criteria:
a) you’ve had a drink
b) you work in insurance and you’re reading this on a weekday after 4pm
c) you’re me

I don’t know about you but I find my work (i.e. being a virtual pillar of strength and fortitude at a small-medium sized not very well known insurance company) very inspiring and motivating. This week alone has encouraged me to start doing the following things:

1. Start taking smoke breaks in order to get more fresh air. I will start doing this when the weather gets warmer.

2.I’m going to start drinking on a regular basis. Before this week I was a social drinker. My week at work has taught me that I must start taking this more seriously. I’m starting what I’m going to call the Reverse 12 step program.
Step one, decide to take drinking seriously.
Step 2, find a sponsor. That way when I become an alcoholic, hit the bottom, then go to AA, I'll already be ahead of everyone.
Step 3, investigate where I’ll go for rehab.
Step 4, go to the LCBO at lunch to buy something to drink after work.
Step 5, Just get on that wagon. Here is my insight...in order to fall off the wagon you first need to get on it. Pretty deep, isn’t it?
Step 6, continue to work in insurance....this will lead to consumption of copious glasses of wine.

3. Finish the remaining steps of the reverse 12 step program.

4. Start an awards show at work where I win in every category. For example, Best Actress in an Insurance Drama; Best Insurance Alliance Leader, etc.

5. Create a Poor Performer of the Day award and give it out to a different coworker on a daily basis. Even poor performers need encouragement and reward.

6. Create more office politics
7. Learn more about demolition and debris removal...an ultra hot topic in the insurance world...note: not as hot as water damage!

So this is what I came up with this week. I can hardly wait for what I’ll do next week!

My questions

January is typically a time of year where many make New Years’ resolutions. Specifically, the topic on many people’s minds is how to lose weight.

My question: is it really that hard to figure out how to do this? Do we really need to read articles saying it’s better to drink water than pop or alcohol? Isn’t that basic common sense? Or instead of sitting on the couch and eating chips, experts shockingly advise us to try working out instead. Really. I am so thankful for these experts and their illuminating advice.

My next question: why aren’t people writing about the really tough issues in society like how to get fat, how to procrastinate or how to get into debt? Why is there no guidance for people who are on these quests? Why is no one leading these folks on their journey to enlightenment?

This is what I would like to see printed in magazines and news papers….an article on how to get fat. Why aren’t we as a society examining this in greater detail? Which is the most effective way to gain weight…fast food/take-out binges or a steady,complex combination of high sodium, high sugar and high fat products?

What are the benefits of constant emotional overeating combined with steady inactivity (where you make sure you never ever in any circumstance get your heart rate in your heart rate target zone and constantly stay true to all excuses as to why you can’t possibly exercise…i.e. my car insurance is due or I stubbed my toe when I was a child and so exercising is dangerous to that appendage, etc.)?

And how do I strive to increase my body fat on certain areas of my body (e.g. hips, thighs, butt) to ensure I don’t fit into that dress and I can go buy another dress?

These are my questions….along with how can I efficiently and successfully procrastinate especially at work?

Tik Tok Lyrics

In reference to yesterday's post, here are the lyrics to Tik Tok. They are truly deep, profound, life changing (Dr Phil would agree) and can be used in every conversation.

Why don't you and your friends or co-workers take the "Tik Tok" challenge. At the end of your next conversation whether it's verbal, text or email, just add one of the following lines and see how much fun communication can be!



Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy(Hey, what up girl?)
Grab my glasses, I'm out the door
I'm gonna hit this city(Lets go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back

I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes
Trying on all our clothes, clothes
Boys blowing up our phones, phones
Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs
Pulling up to the parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy

Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no
Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don't stop, no

Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here
And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk
Now, now, we go until they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us

Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no
Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no

DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me my hands up
You got me now
You got that sound
Yeah, you got me
DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
With my hands up
Put your hands up
Put your hands up

Now, the party don't start 'til I walk in
Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no
Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no

How to jazz up a day at work

Reflections on how to jazz up a boring day at work

1.When co-workers ask how you’re doing, respond with an inappropriateword or phrase. So instead of saying “I’m fine” you’d respond “I’mbreezy”, “I’m jazzy”, “I’m full of whimsy”.

2.In work communications whether corresponding by email, phone or inmeetings, try inserting phrases like “That sounds magical” or “howenchanting”.

3.Sing along to the radio (this can have even more of an impact ifyou’re a poor singer or you don’t know all the words to the song andyou make the words up).

4.Send the lyrics to Tik Tock to all your co-workers. Make them use aline from the song in all of their communications…e.g. Sara, can youplease send me the latest report . And by the way, ”I’m talking abouteverybody getting crunk, crunk…”

5.Ask your co-workers to join an alliance. Then post the names of youralliance members so everyone can see them. Do not feel pressured intocoming with a logical explanation for starting an alliance at work.There is none. Once done forming your alliance, consider forming anentourage.

6.Start some random “day” at work (e.g Vintage Rock Concert t-shirtday - the longer the name, the better - where everyone wears theirconcert t-shirts from the last century) and see how many people goalong with you. It can be surprising how your co-workers will listento your random ideas.

7.Start a fake resume. It could contain things like: I excel atsinging songs with repetitive lyrics (e.g. anything by Technotronic);I effectively create conflict and distraction in the workplace; I’mout for myself; I effortlessly offer poor customer service; Iefficiently use time in boring meetings by writing notes to co-workersand coming up with other ideas for employment. Anytime someone at workmentions what you need to improve, tell them you’ll add it to yourfake resume. They’ll be confused and leave you alone.

8.Repeatedly record songs a coworker hates on her voicemail.

9.Start a rumour about yourself (e.g. “Hey Melissa, did you hear thenews? I had an affair with Tiger Woods?”)

10.Post random things up in your workspace. E.g. pictures of DavidCassidy, the lyrics for Tik Tock, a Quizno’s receipt with the words“Are you having an affair?” highlighted in yellow (note: Quizno’s doeshave this question on top of their receipt…I have taken the liberty towrite the words “with Tiger Woods” afterwards).

So these are all things I’ve come up with and done. I’m so proud.Maybe I’ll add this to my fake resume!