Lionel Ritchie: In The Office?

When you think office decor, your first thought is likely "how can I integrate pictures of Lionel Ritchie into my work space?"

Consider using a picture like this on your office wall or even in one of your work meeting rooms to captivate the attention of your colleagues.

By the way, I am not making fun of Lionel Ritchie at all. I am simply saying from the experience of having this at my desk, it is a great conversation starter. For example, if someone comes to your desk because they're going to ask you to do something, they may become distracted by this picture. They may stop mid-sentence and say, "why do you have that picture up?"

This is your perfect chance to change the subject. You can talk about how you found the picture on this super cool blog (note: I am talking about this blog). You can talk about how you love Lionel Ritchie. You can talk about how you like his hair in this picture. You can start singing "Dancing on the Ceiling" and see if a Glee-like spirit takes over your office area and everyone starts singing and dancing along (note: I would seriously be so jealous if this happened to you...seriously).

Hopefully through the art of distraction, your co-worker will leave feeling confused and will forget what they were going to ask you to do! Give it a try. What do you really have to lose?

Janitorial Supply Catalogue - A Way to Liven Up Your Work Day

What could make your day at work better, than to receive this beautiful shipping supply specialist magazine FEATURING Janitorial supplies?! My colleague is so nice. She has decided to give me a page from this catalogue every day as a product of the day.

So, if your work day is dull, why not do something similar? You could send random janitorial supply product pages in interoffice mail (without indicating who it's from) to people that you work with or that you don't know. Try it and see if that doesn't at least somewhat liven up your day.

Note: this is in no way meant to be offensive towards those who are interested in janitorial supply service products.

Help To Get Through a Dull Day

Last year, I posted a My Favourite Things article which listed all of my favourite Dull Co-Worker posts (after all, Oprah isn't the only who can have favourite things).


Since it's been awhile, I thought I would share with you some more of my favourite posts in the hopes that they will help you get through a dull day.


Getting Hammered At Work

The Do's & Don'ts of Office Romance

Today's Work Horrorscope

There's No Accounting For Taste

The Best Birthday Gift

The Continuing Chronicles of Adults Who Have Been Bullied By Children

This post is a follow-up to check on my friend who was bullied by children not just once but TWICE. For more on her saga, please see my post entitled: Adults Being Bullied By Children: The Untold Story.


The Dull Co-Worker (DCW): So how are your wounds healing after the bullying?


BFF (Best Friend Forever): I still get stressed when I see children outside when I go for a walk. So far nothing else has occured. I feel that like the saying goes "time heals all wounds."


DCW: Do you ever see the children who taunted you?


BFF: No. I've never come across the little girl who had the plastic gun, but I have her little face memorized. I can see her mocking me.



DCW: How about the boy who commented on your highlights?



BFF: I didn't see his face because there was a large group of children. But I am getting my highlights done in a month and I am a bit worried. Should I go darker instead of blond?



DCW: It is traumatic when bullying leads to one questioning their next hairstyle. Do you know that my article on you being bullied was my highest post for the month of May (note: I only had one other post that month but I wanted to make feel better so I told her this in hopes of cheering her - plus I was hoping that the bullying didn't stop her from getting the highlights)? How does that make you feel?



BFF: It makes it worthwhile that I endured that pain if I helped one other adult who was bullied by a small child.


Are you an adult who has been bullied by a small child? If you want to share your story and help others around the world who face similar traumas, please email thedullcoworker@gmail.com. Bullying: it's not just involving children anymore.

Staplers - Simply Stunning

Product Review: Swingline 405

As you can see by the picture above, I have a beautiful stapler at my desk! I would like to do a product review of this stapler in case you are ever at Grand & Toy or Staples and are unsure of what to buy.

First of all, what I love about this stapler is that it works (except when it's out of staples).

I also like how it's black, which is a staple colour (not just a stapler colour!) as it goes with everything. Plus, black is slimming! I look slimmer when holding it!

That is my product review.

Oh, one more thing, as I type this, my co-worker (who is not dull), wanted me to remind you to put your name on the bottom of your stapler in case someone takes it accidentally.

Finally, I want to conclude today's post by showing you this heavy duty stapler for larger staple jobs. Beside it is an example of a box of staples. It is always good to have these around.

So my dear friends, I hope you enjoyed this product review. If you have any staplers you'd like me to review that I didn't mention, please let me know.

Oh yes, this is about the stupidest, dullest post I've done to date on this blog. I'm sorry you wasted 5 min's or less of your life reading this. Sorry for your life.

Big Calves & High Boots: The Saga Continues

Back in January I posted a blog entitled Big Calves & High Boot Don't Mix. I didn't think this would be such a big hit. Seriously, can someone tell why this post has become so popular?

I know I posted later in the year an update to my saga and did report later that I somehow lost weight in my calves so that my high boots were starting to fit better, and I could actually zip them up!

Enter, disappointment.

Last night I once again donned some high boots (which I hadn't worn in awhile) in an effort to be chic (a girl can't be dull all the time). Well, once again the cursed big calves came into play and yes, I had problems zipping up the boots. I was bound and determined though that I would not let these big calves and poorly made boots get the best of me, so I crammed every bit of my limbs into them and managed to succeed in zipping them up. Now I was in some pain, mind you, but I was not going to let them stop me!

At this point, I'm thinking I should write a Bridget Jones type diary and see if Rene Zellweger and Colin Firth could capture all of this on the big screen and bring my story to life.

Sample Screenplay:

Rene (playing me...with calf implants, of course) enters a dreary insurance cubicle (resembling my desk area) and says,
"I'm in so much pain...these bloody boots are killing me!"

Colin (playing my love interest and holding some boring insurance papers) stands there with a look of disgust and remarks,
"That is because your calves are so bloody big! It looks like you can't even zip them up all the way. Why are you even wearing those boots? Those are for skinny calved women Bridget. Your calves certainly aren't small!"

Rene (realizing that this is not yet the moment in the movie where they are about to kiss, has a look of contempt towards him and his insurance papers),
"You are such a bloody A&@! Why don't you just bugger off and leave me alone!"

Riveting, don't you think?

Stay tuned....who knows what else will happen in Bridget Jones Diary: Tales from the Big Calved Years.

Adults Being Bullied by Children: The Untold Story

WARNING: This post is very disturbing. Read at your own risk.

Today’s post will deal with a shocking and incredibly alarming new phenomenon that is sweeping across my city: adults being bullied by kids.

Here is my interview with one of the victims of bullying...my forty-something best friend forever (BFF).

DCW: I hear you were recently bullied two times within the same week by children, is that correct?

BFF: That is correct.

DCW: Do you mind if I ask you some questions about it or is it too painful?

BFF: No. A week has passed and the wounds are healing so we can talk about it.

DCW: Tell me what happened on the evening of April 18th?

BFF: I was walking with a friend and we were talking, and I was looking at the people in the yard. This little girl, who looked 7 or 8, had a plastic gun. She looked menacing. She was smart enough to know not to say whatever she was saying out loud as her mother was there and she mouthed the words (not sure what she said) but she snarled when she said it and pointed the gun at me. She was mocking me but I have no idea what she said.

DCW: That is very disturbing.

BFF: Yes

DCW: How did you react?

BFF: I was trying to figure out what she was saying. At first I thought she was cute and was saying something playful until I realized she wasn’t.

DCW: What was the second incident?

BFF: I was walking alone and there were a bunch of kids out playing and one little boy said “hi” and so I responded saying “hi” then another kid said “bye” so I said “bye” and then a third kid said “yeah, your blond is real” and I didn’t respond. What was I to say? “Thanks”? I had no idea so I kept walking. (Note: my BFF has blond highlights. She is now insecure about them).

DCW: Does this make you not want to go for a walk?

BFF: Every time I go on those routes I am very thankful when those kids aren’t out.

DCW: Do you think you would ever say anything to the kids if you saw them again?

BFF: Well, I don’t think I should be bullying kids. Its’ not a good practice.

DCW: Do you think you’ll wear a ball cap to cover your highlights the next time you go on that route?

BFF: I did think of that. My other thought was just to say “thank you.”

If you or an adult you know has been bullied by a child and have been keeping this a secret, know you are not alone. I have started the Adults-Against-Adults-Being-Bullied-By-Children-In-Canada-And-Around-The-World support group. The problem is real and help is available.

My WINNING Work Objectives

I’ve been asked at work to prepare for my performance review by developing my objectives for the year ahead.

This is what I have so far. I know management likes metrics so I put some numbers to it so that it would be more professional and scientific! I don't know if this is what my manager is looking for, nevertheless, this is what I aspire to achieve:

• Obtain a thorough (100%) knowledge of all Billy Ocean lyrics




• Confidently sing above mentioned lyrics when it is played on the old-people's-radio-station that I listen to at work (92.1FM)




• Grow my hair so that it's really long (measure: longer than it is now)




• Increase the percentage of dark chocolate that I consume during the work day when trying to cope with stupidity (i.e. switch from eating 70% dark chocolate to 85% dark chocolate...this is no way a put down on those who enjoy white or milk chocolate)




• Integrate Charlie Sheen references in all (100%) insurance training seminars I deliver




• Buy and wear the Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race For The Cure t-shirt on casual days and create my own Dull Co-Worker International Pro-Am Fun Run Race For The Cure of People Dying of Boredeom and Unappreciation in the Corporate World Around the Globe t-shirt

The Not So Dull Co-worker

How do you react when you’ve always wanted to change your last name (to something that sounds better) and then you do a Google search and find out the person who has your ideal name has your ideal career as a singer, dancer and actress? Not only that, they are way better looking than you are because they were also a model. This woman can probably write better blog posts than I can too! This is what happened to me the other day. I am being serious. I’m not making this up. I wish I was but I’m not. I was innocently working on my next post when I discovered this!


It’s disheartening because everything I’ve always wished I was, I see this other person has accomplished. I can’t say I was in the movie Chicago. I can’t say I performed in the theatre. I can’t say I did modelling for Guess. Although you folks don’t know me so maybe I could say that. What have I done with my life? I’ll tell you.


My first job after university was working at an apple orchard sorting apples (thank goodness I spent four years and thousands of dollars for that experience). This is not the same as Broadway. Of course I did have my six months of excitement working on a cruise ship (see my Love Boat post for more information on that saga) but that was overshadowed by the inane questions and the fact I worked 8 – 16 hours every day for six months.


I am now working at my third insurance company. Of course I do have this blog chronicling how the corporate world has dulled my senses and personality to the point where I write about the mundane (including how my big calves cause me problems when buying high boots and Charlie Sheen...note: the two are in no way related) while hoping Oprah will one day ask me to work for her. I guess that is something this gorgeous, super talented woman can’t say. That’s priceless!

Why Couldn't My Friday Be This Much Fun?

Not sure if you've seen Rebecca Black's "Friday" video. If not, check it out on You Tube and then check out Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon's version from last night. NOTE: Apparently NBC took down the link after I posted this, but if you click here, you should hopefully be able to see it.

Mice at Work

You know you’re in need of an intervention when you voluntarily join the Ontario Insurance Network group on Linked In. I am delving deeper into dullness for sure. Anyways, to combat this, I’ve fortunately found some fodder for today’s post on workplace art. And what better source of workplace art than our company’s lunchroom refrigerator. Take a gander at this! You can see by reading the article, some companies need to start sending out emails like mine did warning employees not to keep food around.

Otherwise, they will have a situation like this...

Blogging Ideas

I read an article the other day where the author shared ideas people could use for their blog posts. This may help me cut down on my posts about Charlie Sheen.

So, for the next while I’m going to be doing a series where I share my thoughts on this blogging article. Yes…it’s true….this will be riveting.

Blogging Ideas to increase posting frequency:

1. News – The latest news in your industry

Being a work satirist, the "industry" I specialize in is work. The latest news is that most people don’t like going to work and if given the opportunity (e.g. winning the lottery) would not go. That is the latest breaking news. I'm being serious.

Other news is that some employers treat their employees improperly and crush their spirits to the point the employee, who once was hard working & enthusiastic, wants to quit so they can work where they are appreciated and compensated appropriately.

2. Reviews: On books or products pertaining to your market

I should do a book review and I will work on that. I should also review work products like staplers, pens, Post-it notes and tape. Watch for future posts on those as well!

3. Predict industry trends

My prediction is that work will continue to exist and the vast majority of the population will have to work for a living.

I also predict that some workers will continue to have their senses dulled by the drugs that companies put through the air vents that end up causing apathy and lethargy so that employees never leave.

4. Write about the historical changes in your industry

The history of work is that it’s existed for a long time (this is true and if you don't believe me, check Wikipedia). In North America, we seem to work more than our friends in other parts of the world (translation: we’re stupid).

5. Define terms that people new to your industry may not understand

Computer = a device to used for work purposes and not for writing a blog or surfing the internet for updates on the latest Lindsay Lohan or Charlie Sheen escapades

Pen = an instrument used to record work related thoughts, ideas, or notes in meetings to show you’re hardworking and that you “care” about what is being discussed; these instruments are NOT to be used to gouge your eyes out when your work is driving you crazy and you can’t take it anymore.

Is Charlie Losing His Sheen?

I have to point out right away that the title of today’s post has nothing to do with what I'm going to write about...sorry, I just wanted to use that title. One day when you have your own blog you too can write anything you want...it's quite enjoyable actually.

Anyways, I was contemplating how Charlie has made the word WINNING popular. I have my own catch phrase which can be used at work: WHINING!

It seems to fit scenarios where one thinks the following thoughts: "when will this meeting be over?", "why am I even in this meeting?", "why do I work here?", "why is this technical person talking about Java and they aren't even referring to coffee?", "why don't we have a milk steamer and cappuccino maker here at work...I can't believe I'm forced to work under such conditions!", "why is getting a physical at the doctor's less dreadful than coming here to work every day?"

Maybe I should apply to be Charlie’s intern after all…now THAT would be WINNING!

Happy Friday

As I've done in the past, I want to post a "pretty" work place picture that is totally WINNING!

If you have any beautiful work place art you'd like to send in for me to post, please email thedullcoworker@gmail.com.

Happy Friday!

Spoiler Alert! Top Secret Bachelorette News!

I’m not sure if you’ve heard the news that the new Bachelorette, Ashley Hebert, was just announced the other day. What ABC didn’t reveal is this: I, the Dull Co-Worker, was being considered for the show. Instead of having someone glamorous on the show, they were going to go with the opposite - having someone dull.

Apparently someone from ABC had been reading my blog and was intrigued with how I’m trying to make working in insurance cool, I have big calves that prevent my boots from zipping up, and how I wrote an email to the Dairy Board of Canada complaining about the hard to open milk carton containers (update on that saga: no response yet from the Dairy Board…what is up with that? What could they possibly be so busy doing that they can’t respond to this inquiry? They don’t fix the stupid containers which have been the same since the 70’s so I’m not sure how they don’t have time to respond to me?????).

They were also impressed by my empire strategy (this involves me becoming friends with Oprah and establishing a similar empire) and me starting my own clothing and fragrance line specifically targeted to those workers who want to look and smell dull and dreary.

I do wish Ashley the best of luck being the Bachelorette. I am sure she’ll do a wonderful job. Meanwhile I will continue to give my life toiling alongside the people trapped in insurance Canada….come to think about it, that would be a great idea for my own reality show…."Insurance Canada: Something This Boring Has Got To Be On TV”…now that’s a catchy name…watch out ABC!

Colander of Excellence

It's not uncommon to have hard work go unnoticed in the workplace. Sometimes, the "wrong" person is recognized causing a tide of ill-will and possibly even passive aggressiveness. Sound familiar?

To combat this very scenario, one of my readers and his colleagues took matters into their own hands. Apparently, their company rewarded their organization's "Cup of Excellence" to someone the employees felt was undeserving.

To rectify this situation, they created this trophy and presented it to the individual they felt deserved to be recognized for plugging the holes: a Colander of Excellence! Well done!

Recognition: having your moment in the sun isn't always a good thing

Charlie Sheen Rips Into Co-workers

So apparently, a lot of people are searching for this Charlie Sheen info (Sheen rips into co-workers) on Google and are lead to my blog instead.

Alert! My blog is about my dull work life! Warning: you could be very disappointed reading it.

Today, instead of reading of the dullness of my work day and instead of reading about Sheen ripping into his co-workers, I thought I'd share some of Sheen's Winning Recipes. Just click on this link: WINNING!

NOx+NMHC Limits, Filters & Flying Squirrels

Interesting phrases I read today at work (who says insurance is boring?)…don’t ask me what they mean…

“As with the US EPA, there are two options for NOx+NMHC limits and tighter standards for urban busses." Well that's obvious!

“Are solvent filters in machines changed regularly, and lint and filter residue disposed of in covered containers, preferably outside the building?” What I love about this line is the use of the term “filter residue” and “solvent”. Put them together and it’s a powerful, soul-altering sentence which strikes a universal chord.

“Are any animals rare or exotic such as flying squirrels and other exotic mammals?” Where does one purchase one of these mammals? And where would one keep it? In a cage so it doesn’t fly around the house? There's nothing worse than running around your house like a lunatic trying to catch your flying squirrel.

Workplace Crafts!

Do you remember when you had craft time or art class when you were a kid in school? Those were good times where you could let your creativity flow.

Martha Stewart would agree that we all need to do more crafts in our lives. And why not do that on company time and turn scrap paper into gifts of love for your co-workers.


1. Take a few pieces of scrap paper.
2. Rip it unevenly into four pieces.
3. Put the ripped paper together in a stack.
4. Staple it.


5. Write motivational sayings on each of the pieces (example: Be the Breeze, Team Sheen Forever! Earn Yourself!).

6. Give to your colleagues for Christmas, Easter, birthdays or random occasions.

WINNING!

New Highs & Lows

This week was one of highs and lows (actually just one high and one low but it sounds better to write "highs" and "lows" don't you think?).

First of all, I was super jazzed because I finally got the OWN Network! I even bought a big "O" necklace to commemorate this (note: it's really just a long necklace that is circular at the bottom but to me this symbolizes Oprah). My favourite show so far is where it follows Oprah and her team while they prepare for her talk show. It gives us fans an inside look on how a show is put together.

I have to admit, after watching a few episodes, I do find that Oprah scares me sometimes (note: I scare easily) when she doesn't like something. Maybe I won't work for her after all. Maybe we'll just be friends one day. Yes. That's it. Just friends. Just like her and Gayle!

So that was the high point of my week. The low point came the other night when I VOLUNTARILY attended an insurance brokers dinner to listen to a president of an insurance company talk about what is happening in the insurance industry.

So let me be clear. I worked all day and then in my spare time I CHOSE to attend a work function where insurance matters were being discussed. This is alarming. What is going on? Why would I choose this? What is happening to me? I am as in need of an intervention as Charlie Sheen.

Today's Work Horrorscope

On the astrological calendar, today is a very special day. No matter what your sign, all horrorscopes are the same due to the moon and Jupiter, your lucky planetary ruler, hitting your work sector.

Today, will be another stellar experience but you will encounter some challenges. Malarkey will govern your early working hours so pay close attention to ensure you don't spill your coffee. You will experience a situation where someone at work does or says something incredibly stupid and their incompetence affects you.

You will have some sort of computer or even a printer problem that will frustrate you. You'll have to call your IT department who will explain how to fix the problem in a language you don't understand (i.e. technical jargon that makes no sense to common folk). You'll be in a "required" meeting which will seem like a colossal waste of time.

Fortunately, because Saturn is aligning with Taurus (you know what that means!), you will be experiencing great abundance in the paper department. More people than ever will be dropping off paperwork at your desk which you can use to maintain the "I do so much work" image.

Also, all attempts to effectively communicate with those around you will be stymied by passive-aggressiveness but you will overcome this on the drive home from work as you display outright aggressiveness towards other drivers.

Finally, if today is your birthday, know that you share it with such esteemed celebrities as Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan and Snooki.

Getting Hammered at Work

This is my new paper weight for my desk.

Pinata Perfection

My co-workers gave me this "Happy Birthday" pinata a few months ago. I haven't managed to take it down yet. I think it adds the right amount of party-atmosphere to my desk. Plus, let's face it...the word "pinata" is fun to use in any work or social conversation.

I'm loving how the red in the pinata matches the red of my file folder. It also blends in with the rest of the clutter on my desk.

You say pinata, I say pizzazz!

Office Accessory Magic!

Those of you who frequently read my blog know by now that I do like to comment from time to time on office decor. Sometimes when work is dull or just plain stupid, you need a touch of magic to transform your office into a enchanting wonderland.

Some places do this by having carpet on the wall (complete with all the toxins from the last 50 years) to jazz things up. Others have elegant wiring hanging from the ceiling in oh so strategic places (e.g. above employees desks!).

You may not be fortunate enough to work at a fairytale locale that has all of these amenities. Fear not! The Dull Co-worker can fully endorse some of these products which will add some breeziness and spellbinding mystery to one's desk:



Warning: Ladies, if you are having an office romance (real or pretend), your beau may be jealous!

Bored? Try the Roundabout Dance

Bored? Find a roundabout and do the dance...





Is it just me....but I don't see anyone dancing in this video.

Diary of a Dull Valentine’s Day

In case you’re wondering what a dull Valentine’s day would look like, let me share:

- Met with my energy auditor. He took pictures of my furnace and insulation invoices along with my new furnace
- Taught a fitness class at an all women’s club…Note: there was no chance of meeting Mr Right at this location
- Ate yogurt and fruit for supper
- Went to bed at 9:15pm

Flowers: 0
Chocolates: 0
Romance: -32.8
Knowing that no one else in the world will have a blog post like this: Priceless

The Do's & Don'ts of Office Romance

Since Valentine's Day is tomorrow, I only thought it appropriate to write about romance. Valentine's Day is a great holiday especially for those of us who are single. It's nice to have yet another reminder that you are unable to attract a decent partner (and yet successfully attract an unusual number of potential suitors with poor vision - i.e. elderly men...more on that in a future blog).

Now some of us don't have romance in our lives so we need to be innovative and creative in this department. And I'm not talking about joining eHarmony (note: this is in no way meant to be an offensive, anti-eHarmony/online dating remark).

What I'm saying is, why pay to start a romance when you can have one for free? And, despite what people say, work is the perfect location for love and romance...even if it appears seemingly non-existent.

Why not start an office romance tomorrow? Keep these tips in mind when you do:

Do start a pretend office romance if your job is dull.

Don't feel your pretend partner needs to be someone you would actually date.

Do tell your colleagues about it. It will add some pizzazz to your daily work conversations.

Don't feel the need to tell your pretend partner about it. Chances are he won't figure it out nor would he understand if you told him about it.

Do feel good about being in a pretend office relationship.

Don't feel it's inappropriate...even if your "boyfriend" is a gambling, possible alcoholic with commitment issues.

Do add some spice to your pretend relationship by having a break up every now and then. That will make it seem more real.

Don't feel the need to justify the break up to your co-workers who have real relationships...they may not understand...

Happy Friday!

Happy Friday everyone!

Like my good friend at Hare Styling does on Fridays, I want to brighten your day with a pretty picture.

This is one of our new work areas. Don't you just love the hanging accessories?

Freshly Vacuumed & Fab!

Who knew office wall carpet could look so good when vacuumed?

Irresistable!

2 + 2 = 5?

I used to be smarter in high school...that was back in the 80’s. Working in insurance has dulled my senses and abilities so that my mental faculties seem like a distant memory.

Case in point, my friend today asked me to do the following multiplication without using a calculator. Get out a piece of paper and pen and see if you can do this:

54.29
X .13

I think they taught us how to do this type of math in elementary school yet now I can't figure it out without using a calculator. I think it's because I rarely use the logical side of my brain at work (if you've been reading my blog for awhile, this doesn't come as a surprise). Simple math is now challenging for me.


Other things are challenging for me as well such as opening a milk carton (update: it's been one week and the Dairy Board of Canada has not responded to my email regarding the poor quality milk carton openings...they obviously have poor customer service as well..I will keep you posted as soon as I receive a repsonse).


When I was young, I remember I was sure I'd do great things with my life. The harsh reality is that I struggle to get a volunteer position. After writing my Unwanted Volunteer post, I was motivated to once more try volunteering...and again I met with the dreaded feeling that comes when one's offer for free work is rejected.

On the plus side, I am experiencing more days where I can zip up my high boots. For those who have been following my calf chronicles, you read with intrigue that I had been unable to zip up my high boots because my calves are too big. Well, I can happily report that finally my calves appear to be lengthening and shrinking...perfect!


Also, information is flooding in from readers trying to help me with this predicament. Apparently there is an insert that one can use to make the boots wider. This sounds amazing! And, my hairdresser told me there are websites where one can purchase wide boots....for $300. If you want to donate money to my Big-Calf-High-Boot Fund, I encourage you to do so.


In short, sometimes I feel my life is a sit-com. I wonder if anyone is filming it? And if so, I hope my ratings are at least as high as Jersey Shores.

The Perfect Desk

Now this is how a desk should look. Forget neat and tidy....this desk clearly gives the impression "I'm so busy" not to mention being dynamic, chic and poetic.

I adore the empty coffee cups (note: they actually contain cold coffee!).

The empty Kleenex box makes a great modern paperweight!

Milk It For All It's Worth

Now that I'm done the cleanse, I'm back on the dairy. One of the things that drives me mad though is opening milk cartons. Or should I say struggling to open milk cartons. Am I the only one who struggles with this?

Why do they have to use super-strength glue? Are these the same people who make the impenetrable plastic that protects the hotel room soap (for more on this, see my November 16th blog)?

In order to save my fellow man from this plight, I just sent the following email to the Dairy Board of Canada:

Dear Dairy Board of Canada,

I am a big fan of your product, however, I do have a grievance. Why is the glue on the cartons of milk so strong that it's difficult to open the carton? Why after all these years and all the available technology in the world can you not come up with milk cartons that are easier to open?

It is frustrating sometimes and I don't understand why it has to be this way. Are there any plans on changing the packaging in the near future or should I just switch to soy milk? The soy milk manufacturers really have great packaging for their product.

Thank you so much for your consideration of this matter.


To be continued....

Who Needs a Library Card?

Who needs a library card when you have a world of poignant literary classics at work...

You can't help but see the intrigue, drama and possibly even romance in these work place manuals...

Big-Calf-High-Boot Update

If you read my blog from the other week (Big Calves & High Boots Don't Mix), I'm sure you're dying to know what has transpired in this area of my life (I guess what I'm assuming is that your life is as dull as mine...sorry about that).

Well, it seems like not even my best friend realized the gravity of this situation. Because the picture I included in the blog had a picture of me wearing pants and not being able to zip up my boots, she thought I only encountered this problem when wearing jeans or pants.


Truth be told, I should have been more clear. I encounter this problem of not being able to zip up my high boots even on my bare skin! Yes! It's true! I'm embarrassed and frustrated by my big calves. It's not fair I'm not one of those skinny calved women. I work out, try to eat right and yet nothing I do can make my calves smaller. Why???

I also want to mention how I was fascinated by the popularity of that post. Perhaps others out there are experiencing the same thing. Maybe they are moved by my shocking disclosure about this highly-sensitive-yet-severly-underpublicized-due-to-excessive-Kim-Kardashian-coverage issue. I can only hope this message reverberates around the globe and boot companies everywhere make wider boots....then we can all zip up a little easier.

The Unwanted Volunteer

I don't know what the deal is with all the places I've offered to volunteer at in the past few years. I've been rejected from at least four different organizations that have expressed a need for volunteers.

I've tried for years to assist at some of these non-profit organizations (I'm persistent!) and they tell me that my help is not needed (they lie because I hear radio ads for some of them saying they need help).

Or they say they will contact me in the "future"and the "future" never seems to come. This sounds suspiciously like the men who've said to me "Let's get together sometime. I'll call you." But the call doesn't come. Perhaps these non-profit organizations think I'm trying to get a date. Maybe they think I'm confusing their organization with eHarmony. Could that be the problem?

I know what you're thinking. It's me. It's not them, it's me. Could this have something to do with my unusually big calves and my boots that don't zip up? Seriously people, what does this say about me? Do you know how hard it is on one's self-esteem when no one wants your help and you're offering your time and effort for free...they're not even paying you. It's tough being repeatedly rejected like this.

Maybe I'll seek counselling from a therapist to help sort this out. Or maybe I'll just show up at their organization and help anyways. Or maybe I'll just sit on the couch and watch Oprah while eating gluten free snacks and bingeing on herbal tea. That will show them!

Survival of the Fittest

One of my dear friends has a blog called Simply Nature where she shares beautiful pictures she's taken of birds, animals, and nature scenes. I was joking with her the other day that I will have an Office Nature segment on my blog. She thought I was kidding...until today!

As luck would have it, my brother-in-law just sent me this picture of two plants that are in his boardroom at work. Office Nature at it's best!

Does this mean his workplace is choking the life out of every living thing? He writes, "I guess in business some survive and some don't. This applies to the plant world as well."

Great observation and great picture (note: this is why it's essential companies give employees BlackBerries...so they can use them to take important pictures like this).

If you have any moving or entrancing work scenes from your office that you'd like to share with the world, get out your iPhone or BlackBerry, snap a picture when no one is looking and send it to thedullcoworker@gmail.com.

How to Make an Impact at Your Next Meeting

Are you wanting to impress your co-workers at your next meeting or company lunch? Why not try these simple and stylish tumblers for your beverages:

Accent the tumblers with ultra-chic coasters made from eco-friendly, paper towelling gently torn at the edges to create a classy finish:

This is So Hot

For the past couple of months I've been going to Bikram hot yoga classes. They are 90 minutes long and made up of a series of 26 poses which are done in a room which is heated to about 95- 100 Farenheit.

There are numerous benefits of doing this class one of which is to detoxify the body. If you've read my last two blogs, you'll see that apparently I'm really into detoxifying lately (even though I seem to enjoy ingesting toxins).

What I do like about the class is that I leave feeling incredibly calm and relaxed (likely this could be achieved by simply having a glass of wine but for some reason I didn't think of that before I joined the studio...bummer).

These types of classes are very different than most yoga classes or fitness classes. In an effort to keep my readers informed, I am sharing my obeservations:

1. Most people who go to these classes, especially the regulars, are basically naked. I envy their comfort with their bodies and their ability to strip down to next than nothing in front of strangers. Sadly, there's no one who looks like Jake Gylenhal or Ryan Renyolds in any of the classes I've attended. Their lack of a wardrobe also gets me thinking...will I one day be one of these people? I currently have a strong attachment to clothing when in public. Not sure if that makes me odd or not.
   
   
2. One of the male instructors wears a Speedo-like bottom and nothing else. Am I the only one who finds this distracting, perplexing and even a tad disturbing?
   
   
3. The teachers are mean. They don't let you talk, wipe the sweat from your brow and you can only drink water when told. They also tell you not to leave the room. It's like you're in the military. Yet we all put up with this. Why? Why don't we all revolt? What would they do...not let us practice yoga?
   
   
4. The yoga people are very serious. Smiling is rare. I try to smile as much as possible just to throw everyone off.
   
   
5. Apparently the studio I'm at was rated one of the top places in my city to pick up. Really? I'm covered in sweat, my mascara is running so I look like I'm part of a low-grade-Canadian-horror flick and my hair is wet and dishelved . Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm not smelling the best. And I'm hoping a man finds me attractive like this...how desparate would he have to be?

Chronicles of the Even Duller Co-worker

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm on a cleanse which means I'm insane enough to willingly deprive myself of everything meaningful in life as I know it (OK, so I am exaggerating just a tad...I tend to do that).

Anyways, I am convinced this lack of sugar and caffeine, etc. is hindering my abilities. I am duller. My blogs I try to write aren't funny. Like this blog you're reading. I can't make it funny even if I tried. In fact, I've tried all week to write something funny and I can't do it so I finally decided to post this blog even though it's not funny.

Are you finding this funny? Are you laughing? Are you smiling? No? I don't blame you. I'm not either. This is lame.

What's there to laugh at when there's no sugar in your body?

What's there to laugh at when the world is visiting Starbucks getting high on caffeine through lattes and you're not?

What's funny when everyone is eating gluten or chocolate but you?

What's there to laugh at when you're spending a fortune eating healthy?

And who are these people who say a cleanse makes you feel more energetic and less tired? Why don't they write my blog and go to work for me while I stay home and sleep?

No Sugar Added

To ensure my life is as dull as possible, I've decided to go on a cleanse. This involves me giving up sugar, caffeine, salt, red meat, dairy, gluten, alcohol and basically everything fun in life for two weeks.

Unlike fellow blogger, Marion Lawrence who wrote about how jazzed she was being on the cleanse, I am on day four and cannot report the same level of enthusiasm. I'm trying to see this in a positive light like Ms Lawrence.

For any one out there who are thinking of doing a cleanse/de-tox, I recommend the following to put some "fun" in your cleanse (note: I am being extremely sarcastic when I use the word "fun"):

1. Trick yourself into thinking herbal tea is a "treat". This takes alot of mental efffort as shown in the complex diagram below.


2. Stare at people as they drink their StarBucks. Be careful not to let them see you drool.


3. Reflect on the good times in your life...like when you ate cheese. Plan what cheeses you will eat after the cleanse.


4. Eat a nut & seed bar (this is another item I have come to think of as a "treat") and contemplate how it strangely resembles bird seed.


5. Try not to be bitter with others who are not on a cleanse, especially when they complain about anything....they at least have the joy of eating sugar, gluten and other banned substances....how dare they complain!
   
6. Wonder what is so bad about toxins in your body anyways...I actually quite enjoy them...maybe someone should start a "Toxins for Everyone!" movement.
   
7. Question your sanity for even taking part in such a foolish venture...after all, shouldn't a detox only be for famous celebrities like Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan.
   
8. Think about what you're going to eat as soon as you're done the cleanse...will it be bread, cheese, coffee?
   
9. Contemplate how this blog could have been funny if I had sugar and caffeine in my body.
   
10. Scan the internet for medical studies advocating a "work de-tox/cleanse.

Desk Makeover Contest Winner!

As you may recall, in October I launched a hugely successful desk decorating contest where I urged readers around the globe to submit pictures of their desks in the hopes they would win a desk makeover from The Dull Co-worker.


Due to the lack of a mathematically based skill testing question, submissions were lower than anticipated. Nevertheless, the following winner from Canada submitted this photo:



While I have not yet travelled to the desk locale, I am going to suggest the winner does a DIY (Do It Yourself) based on the following instructions below.


Clearly this fellow is in need of some decorating assistance. This desk lacks clutter and is too clean. It is sad that you can see the desk. Desks should just exist but not be seen (isn't that a popular saying by someone).


I recommend that desks always be covered in paper to give the illusion of copious amounts of work being done. The type of paper could be spreadsheets with complex data, it could be manuals, it could be expense reports, mail or receipts...just whatever you're feeling at the moment. It could be white paper or coloured paper if you want to add a little bit of flair! It could be shiny paper, flat paper or even textured paper. Basically, just take paper that has something on it that looks work related and scatter it. Make it whimsical.


If you are one of those unfortunate souls who has everything organized in folders, just take some contents of a folder and place them in a willy-nilly manner on the desk NOTE: do not put them into any sort of neat pile or place them perfectly straight on the desk. You want to avoid symmetry and perfection at all costs. The truly brilliant desk decoraters of our time would agree with me on this and if you don't believe me, I urge you to contact them.


The next step would be to add post it notes of all shapes and sizes around the monitors. Add some non-sensical sayings or words from your favourite song if you want to jazz up your space.


You may also want to add some wallpaper. Wallpaper is back, as popular interior designer, Melissa Hare indicates in her October Hare Styling blog. Why not add a pattern that was popular in the 80's such as the one below. Using the wallpaper as a backsplash behind your computer will create a kitchen type feel.

Finally, you must add the finishing touches to your work space by adding something unique and timeless to your chair. For this I recommend a blanket. This will be helpful if you get cold, it adds a punch of frivolity and most importantly, it doubles a cape if you want to pretend you're a super hero and get the heck out of the office in a hurry!

The Year of the Dull Co-worker

So I'm feeling really jazzed about the new year. I'm feeling this will be the dawn of a new era in my mind-numbing career. Why is that you ask? Well, as the new year approached, I found it essential to "hire" two individuals to manage my life. This shows how high maintenance I really am.


Both of these individuals are my co-workers and must put up with me every day. This is no small feat. The one co-worker I promoted to Life Manager (she was previously my unofficial Life Coach) and the other is the Assistant to the Life Manager.


Both ladies were ecstatic beyond belief at these "promotions" (note: they actually displayed little ecstasy and a whole lot of confusion but I thought it sounded better saying they were really thrilled about the whole thing...I should also note they both refused to let me set performance objectives for them ...I guess they are a bit insecure about their new promotion so I will cut them some slack for now).

Anyways, I am thinking 2011 will be a spectacular, Over-The-Top (OTT) year because:


1. I have taken time to declare my resolutions to the world (see my December 29th New Years Resolutions post...please know dear readers, these are REAL resolutions...I wouldn't make up stuff like starting a flash mob at work or encouraging fellow co-workers to burst into song during dreary meetings as if we were on Glee...after all, why should the people on TV be the only ones who get to have fun...why can't people who toil in the thankless and severly undertelevised insurance industry have fun too???).


2. I have "hired" (I use quotation marks because I am actually not paying them so technically they aren't really "hired") my Life Manager and Assistant to the Life Manager. This will no doubt propel me into cosmic bliss.


Case in point...when I was just talking to the Assistant to the Life Manager, I came up with this superb idea: next year, with the help of Oprah and Gayle and all the new friends I will make on Oprah's network, I will come out with a CD. The CD will be of me reading my Dull Co-worker posts!

What this means is that you will be able to listen to me talk about my work vignettes as you drive in your car to work. Or when working out. Or at home with your family. What a beautiful gift that would be. Isn't that a brilliant idea? Maybe I will even make this available for download on iTunes.

See, this Life Manager and Assistant to the Life Manager thing is working out for me already. It's inspiring me to come up with greater and greater ideas.


Stay tuned for more great ideas...possibly involving the development of a room fragrance that smell like bacon and eggs...

Big Calves & High Boots Don't Mix

As I mentioned in my New Years Resolutions post the other day, I have big calves which prevents me from being able to zip up my high boots. Since I am dramatic, over-the-top and have a tendency to exaggerate, some people do not believe me when I write about my embarassing predicament. So, I thought I'd take a picture of my big-calf-high-boot problem to show readers it is real. This does exist.

This picture shows that my calf is way too big for this boot and I can't zip it up.

Does anyone know of any type of diet plan I can go on to lose weight in my calf, specifically in my left calf which is bigger than the right?

Does anyone else out there suffer with this malady? If so, please email me. We need to band together and get high boot companies to feel empathy for others like me who suffer with this affliction which is particularly exasperating in the cold Canadian winter months. Together we can make this a thing of past and women everywhere will be able to zip up their boots with joy and ease!