As I’ve referenced in one of my past blogs, one of my ideas is to create a fake or alternate resume. I’m thinking of posting this on Monster to see what kind of jobs I’d be offered.
- This is a summary of my qualities and strengths which I could offer to an employer
- Talk loudly and often distract coworkers
- Laugh loudly at my own jokes (even if the jokes aren’t funny)
- Maintain a disorganized and messy desk
- Effectively sustain a short attention span especially when involved in boring (i.e. work-related) conversations or projects (i.e. anything related to property and casualty insurance and the technical infrastructure supporting those products)
- Successfully utilize 90% sarcasm in conversations (note: employers LOVE when you quantify your strengths on resumes)
- Frequently interrupt others when they are talking to interject a joke or random comment I feel is necessary in the conversation but to others may appear to be annoying or nonsensical
- Repeatedly integrate the words jazzy, jazzify, magical, enchanting, whimsical, whimsy, tornadic, breezerific and breezy in any context
- Masterful at creating alliances in the workplace for no logical reason or for no logical purpose
- Use work meetings to brainstorm different employment possibilities
- Engage in over the top (OTT) and extremely dramatic responses in any situation especially ones that are mundane and make me feel like I’d rather poke my eyes out with a razor blade than hear one more time about the governments changes the OAP 1 which corrects the gap on the last set of automobile reforms involving rented or leased vehicles with a gross vehicle weight of 4500 kilograms rented for no more than 7 days
- Create slogans for everything without being asked. For example, for our realty commercial insurance product, we could say “we’re keeping it REAL with REALTY PRO!”…how could you NOT want to buy that product with a slogan like that?
- Create an empire strategy. This entails devising plans on how to develop my own empire…I call it being “Oprahesque”. I create ideas for “R magazine”, my own television and radio shows…just in case I one day meet Oprah, she and I become friends and then she wants to transform my life by offering me money and employment opportunities. I will be ready!
- Frequently create ideas for workplace reality shows. This ties in beautifully with my empire strategy. Some examples include my show called “Meeting Crashers” which is modelled after the popular Wedding Crashers movie. This program would show people at work bursting into meetings they didn’t belong in and staying in the meeting to endure boredom and the exchange of non-relevant information…comedy would naturally ensue.
My other show idea is “Struggling For Coherence”. It would be a show about incoherent workers who go through the work day “struggling for coherence” in their lacklustre 9 – 5 insurance, existence…once again, who WOULDN’T want to watch people working in insurance who can barely get through the day????
- Create scenarios to be included in my Dull Co-worker blog which could one day be used in a book by the same name or television show (once again, a lot of this is based on me knowing Oprah).
- Create different celebratory days at work…example, hold a Festivus celebration on the same day as the company Christmas potluck complete with a Festivus pole and an airing of grievances; start an Annual Vintage Rock T-Shirt day where employees are encouraged to wear old rock concert t-shirts…note: there are specific rules on what qualifies
- Use popular business type words in a sarcastic manner. Said words include: champion, initiative, strategize, vision, leverage, synergize and my favourite, spearhead. For example “I’d like to spearhead the initiative to leverage and synergize our vision and mission to strategize for the future quarter.”
- Efficiently integrate verbiage from the Avon catalogue into work conversations. For example, “Sara can you please help me with my computer as skin’s radiance returns and lines and wrinkles look reduced?” Or “Melissa, could you please send me that information on the training location and while you’re at it, immerse yourself in a lush oasis filled with vibrant passion fruit, fresh frangipani flowers and exotic Balinese woods.”
So that, my dear reader, is what I’ve come up with to post on the internet in the hopes someone will see my skills and hire me for something that does not involve hearing about the replacement of the pre-approved framework dealing with minor injuries in automobile accidents within the province of Ontario.
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