Don't Believe In Dreams

I’ve always wanted to be a song writer. Here is my first official song which has been inspired by my years in the insurance industry. This song is meant to be sung with a similar melody as the anthem for the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, “I Believe” (note: if Flo-Rida or Lil Wayne want to do a remix of this, I will allow it)

Don’t have dreams
They won’t come true anyways
Life is full of disappointments
It’s just a matter of time
Before someone let’s you down

Don’t have dreams
No, no, no, don’t have dreams
Don’t have dreams
No, no, no, don’t’ have dreams
Oh yah, baby…

You won’t win the lottery
You’re just not that lucky
Just listen to some MJ
That will keep you funky

Don’t have dreams
No, no, no, don’t have dreams
Don’t have dreams
No, no, no, don’t’ have dreams
Oh yah, baby…

I don’t believe in the power of dreams
I don’t believe they’ll make a difference
The police will just shut you down
Po-po shut you down, down

Don’t have dreams
No, no, no, don’t have dreams
Like islands in the streams
Don’t you dare believe in dreams

Where to Find Me

My Resume

As I’ve referenced in one of my past blogs, one of my ideas is to create a fake or alternate resume. I’m thinking of posting this on Monster to see what kind of jobs I’d be offered.

- This is a summary of my qualities and strengths which I could offer to an employer

- Talk loudly and often distract coworkers

- Laugh loudly at my own jokes (even if the jokes aren’t funny)

- Maintain a disorganized and messy desk

- Effectively sustain a short attention span especially when involved in boring (i.e. work-related) conversations or projects (i.e. anything related to property and casualty insurance and the technical infrastructure supporting those products)

- Successfully utilize 90% sarcasm in conversations (note: employers LOVE when you quantify your strengths on resumes)

- Frequently interrupt others when they are talking to interject a joke or random comment I feel is necessary in the conversation but to others may appear to be annoying or nonsensical

- Repeatedly integrate the words jazzy, jazzify, magical, enchanting, whimsical, whimsy, tornadic, breezerific and breezy in any context

- Masterful at creating alliances in the workplace for no logical reason or for no logical purpose

- Use work meetings to brainstorm different employment possibilities

- Engage in over the top (OTT) and extremely dramatic responses in any situation especially ones that are mundane and make me feel like I’d rather poke my eyes out with a razor blade than hear one more time about the governments changes the OAP 1 which corrects the gap on the last set of automobile reforms involving rented or leased vehicles with a gross vehicle weight of 4500 kilograms rented for no more than 7 days

- Create slogans for everything without being asked. For example, for our realty commercial insurance product, we could say “we’re keeping it REAL with REALTY PRO!”…how could you NOT want to buy that product with a slogan like that?

- Create an empire strategy. This entails devising plans on how to develop my own empire…I call it being “Oprahesque”. I create ideas for “R magazine”, my own television and radio shows…just in case I one day meet Oprah, she and I become friends and then she wants to transform my life by offering me money and employment opportunities. I will be ready!

- Frequently create ideas for workplace reality shows. This ties in beautifully with my empire strategy. Some examples include my show called “Meeting Crashers” which is modelled after the popular Wedding Crashers movie. This program would show people at work bursting into meetings they didn’t belong in and staying in the meeting to endure boredom and the exchange of non-relevant information…comedy would naturally ensue.

My other show idea is “Struggling For Coherence”. It would be a show about incoherent workers who go through the work day “struggling for coherence” in their lacklustre 9 – 5 insurance, existence…once again, who WOULDN’T want to watch people working in insurance who can barely get through the day????

- Create scenarios to be included in my Dull Co-worker blog which could one day be used in a book by the same name or television show (once again, a lot of this is based on me knowing Oprah).

- Create different celebratory days at work…example, hold a Festivus celebration on the same day as the company Christmas potluck complete with a Festivus pole and an airing of grievances; start an Annual Vintage Rock T-Shirt day where employees are encouraged to wear old rock concert t-shirts…note: there are specific rules on what qualifies

- Use popular business type words in a sarcastic manner. Said words include: champion, initiative, strategize, vision, leverage, synergize and my favourite, spearhead. For example “I’d like to spearhead the initiative to leverage and synergize our vision and mission to strategize for the future quarter.”

- Efficiently integrate verbiage from the Avon catalogue into work conversations. For example, “Sara can you please help me with my computer as skin’s radiance returns and lines and wrinkles look reduced?” Or “Melissa, could you please send me that information on the training location and while you’re at it, immerse yourself in a lush oasis filled with vibrant passion fruit, fresh frangipani flowers and exotic Balinese woods.”

So that, my dear reader, is what I’ve come up with to post on the internet in the hopes someone will see my skills and hire me for something that does not involve hearing about the replacement of the pre-approved framework dealing with minor injuries in automobile accidents within the province of Ontario.

What I Like About Myself

I don’t often go around telling people this, but I really do like the look of my forearms. Truth be told, this is the only body part of mine that I accept wholeheartedly. I wouldn’t change my forearms even if someone gave me oodles of money to have plastic surgery on them.

I need to live in a culture where women with attractive forearms are revered. So much attention in our society focuses on women’s legs, breasts, hips, waist, hair, skin, eyes, etc. No one seems to glamourize those women with eye-catching forearms and wrists.

This just shows how messed up our culture is. This is why the crime rates are so high for heaven’s sake! Can’t you see the correlation? Society is on a downward spiral and those with striking forearms are the ones who are suffering.

We as a society believe and value the wrong things; we aren't valuing the right things (beautiful forearms) thus, society is crumbling...and I won't even get into how this is affecting the ozone layer.

So do your part to make it a better world to live in. Compliment someone who has nice wrists and lovely forearms. Change what society values and you'll change the world. And don't just do it for me. Do it for the children.

Choosing Not To Become Famous

So I’ve decided not to become famous. After much thought, I’ve decided not to become the next Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton or Nicole Ritchie. You know why? Because that would mean I couldn’t work at my insurance job. Unless of course we turned my insurance persona (aka “The Dull Co-worker”) into a local reality show on Rogers cable.

I fear it would be far too difficult to manoveur throughout the Tri-City area with all the paparazzi in tow and deal with the constraints of rush hour traffic. Plus, if I ever did have children, how would they feel being photographed all the time. I mean really, the media can be like stalkers and follow you everywhere. I've already had a stalker in my life and it's not all its cracked up to be.

So, I am making peace with my infamousness. Being able to fade into the background when walking downtown Kitchener is something that people like Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Angelina would kill for. Wow! How lucky am I?!

No worries here of appearing as a feature in a “Stars without Make Up!” article. Also, there’s no danger that I’ll be in one of those “Who Wore it Better” polls if I happen to wear the same outfit as Jennifer Aniston. Thank goodness. I'm so tired of being compared to her.

I don’t need to worry about a tell all book coming out about me. That would be so embarrassing if someone wrote a book about me revealing my trysts with Hollywood hunks like George Clooney and Bradley Cooper. Thankfully that can remain a secret.

So as I drive (sans the ardour from my elderly, male insurance broker fans) to my ultra-glam insurance job, I will feel content knowing my life is so much better than Beyonce's...until of course I have to review the commercial general liability policy training documentation (please note...I’m being serious here...this is actually what I do...on second thought, maybe I’ll give Oprah a call and see if she can help me out).

How Can Insurance Be Dull?

In case you don’t understand why I’m calling this blog “The Dull Co-worker” I’ve included a sampling of my work life. This is the world I’m involved in...WARNING...do NOT let small children read this! It is disturbing!

The Insurance Institute is very pleased to be offering

FLOOD & LEARN SEMINAR

This seminar will be presented as a “HANDS ON WORKSHOP”

“Santa” (note: I have given the seminar presenter the title of “Santa” to protect his identity; this is no way a comment on the girth or attire of the actual seminar presenter) (three IICRC certified restoration professionals -who I will refer to as “Santa’s reindeer”) will be erecting a mock home in the Arena that they will be flooding.

They will review the basics of water remediation, extraction as well as the equipment required for drying and dehumidification

COME AND EXPERIENCE FIRST HAND THE POWER OF WATER TO DAMAGE AND DESTROY and the SECONDARY DAMAGE CREATED BY MOISTURE. (please note dear reader, this line was actually capitalized by the Insurance Institute; I feel it is meant to be important so when you read this line, really think about what you’re reading and how it makes you feel; read it again just to make sure you get the full impact of what you would experience if you were to come to this seminar).

This course will provide you with the understanding of the work and equipment needed to effectively clean and repair wet property.

Dress casual “you might get a little wet” (note: I think this was meant to be funny! And I think insurance is dull! How foolish!)

This seminar will be of interest to underwriters and brokers as well as claims professionals.

DON’T MISS OUT. This will be a VERY FUN LEARNING EXPERIENCE(once again, this line was capitalized by the institute, not me so please, please, please realize how fun this will actually be).

If you are interested in attending this seminar, please complete the attached registration form and return it to ”Santa”

We look forward to having a fun experience with everyone!!!

I don't know about you, but after reading that, I'm ready to change the name of my blog. I don't think the word "dull" and "insurance" could possibly be used in the same breath by any sane individual.

Now, let me start my letter to Santa...