Looking For a Promising New Career?

Question: What do you do when you work in the insurance industry and you’re bored?

 Answer: You come up with an idea to start a competing insurance company!

 Idea (please don’t take it because it’s really good and I know you’ll want to take but please don’t):

 Start a Canadian Insurance company called Neutral Mutual Insurance (NMI) with a tag line “Say that 10 times fast!” WOW! Pretty powerful! Isn’t it?

 I would love to take credit for this brilliant idea but I can’t. My life manager is the genius behind this epic idea!

The Neutral Mutual Mission: To provide insurance solutions through our regressive ideas.

Why would we choose this strategy? So many companies are bragging they are “paperless.” In reality, these “paperless” companies create TONS of paper! Who actually believes any company is paperless...please! Give people some credit! Anyways, the Neutral Mutual Insurance Company (of which I am the VP of Human Resources) is PRO paper! We use paper and we are proud of it! In fact, we don’t use computers. We are old school. We have old fashioned values and regressive ideas! We type on a typewriter. We write memos and carbon paper!!

While most insurance companies give their insured’s policy wordings which are pages long and very boring to read (have you read yours for your home, auto or business policy?), at Neutral Mutual, we’ve decided to do away with such things. Instead of policy wordings, we are going to have policy words!  Another fab idea from our CEO!

 

Policy words like cat, house or mafia. Those are words that our company will give to our insureds instead of policy wordings describing what the insurance covers (that is SO overdone!). We will all have actual dictionaries on our desks in case we run out of words!  I know what you’re thinking....it’s AWESOME (hey, that could be one of our policy words!).  

 
If you are looking for a new job, consider joining this promising new venture! As I said, the job of CEO and VP or HR is already taken. We also have a Director of Regression (DOR). Most companies have people in charge of innovation. We are going backwards! Let’s regress! Why move forward just because it’s popular! Let’s pave a new path! Anyways, that job is taken as is the job of Secretary.

 So if you are looking for a promising new career, look no further. Apply to Neutral Mutual today by emailing NeutralMutualInsurance(SayThatTenTimesFast)@IamsoboredatworkthatIcomeupwiththesecrazyideas.com. Your future has never looked so backwards.

The Next Carly Rae????

One of the things I like to do when I’m bored at work is fantasize about really cool jobs I’d like to have. Because I’m a bit of a chatterbox, I have the tendency to do my daydreaming out loud (DOL). WARNING: This can get you into trouble when you’re at work!

When I went for my performance review awhile back, my manager told me that although I was doing a fine job, she was concerned about comments that I make and the impact that this could have on my co-workers. After all, “perception is reality.” She made it clear that she does not like it when I try to inject comedic moments into the dullness of the day by alluding to other jobs. For example, one day I jokingly told my co-workers that I was going to be the next Carly Rae Jepsen (of “Call Me Maybe” fame). This a) clearly will happen one day (have I mentioned I’m in my 40’s and can’t sing?)  and b) alert my co-workers to the fact that there are other jobs in world besides working at my insurance company.

My manager was rightly afraid that by me sharing my aspirations of becoming a pop star, my colleagues would quit and actually pursue their dreams (as if there would be no other possible reason to quit a company that doesn’t pay very well, doesn’t appreciate their employees and is in the insurance industry...the CANADIAN insurance industry...not even the AMERICAN insurance industry...translation: our industry is less alluring and intoxicating then that of our neighbours).

I was also asked not to mention my other dream jobs. For example, one hot summer afternoon I casually mentioned I’d love to have a job on a tropical beach...maybe selling jewellery. This was clearly an offensive remark (for obvious reasons). I was also banned from any discussions about starting a company called StarTrucks (I came up with this idea because I love Starbucks...I thought it would be cool to have a truck that drives around to businesses selling StarBucks coffee and food). This too was offensive (note: I’m pretty sure this has something to do with the fact my manager does not like Starbucks coffee and prefers Tim Hortons).

Basically, my company does not want me or others to have any other goals in life except working for my company. And, if my company does not want me to have any other dreams except for working for them for the next 23 years until I retire, well then that is exactly what I will do.

Since getting my verbal warning, I have ceased to mention all dream jobs when at work. In fact, the other day when a catchy Jennifer Lopez song came on the radio, I didn’t mention to my co-workers that I am the next JLo. I didn’t want to discourage them. They are young... in their 20’s and 30’s. I want them to be happy and not give them the impression that there are other jobs in the world. I want them to work at this insurance company for the next 30 or 40 years. If that is what my company wants for them, then that is what I want for them. And I also want them to buy my albums  J

Note: This blog post is fully supported by both Carly Rae and Jennifer Lopez.

Great Whimsical Work Idea #1479

Today’s post is my 1479^th great work idea (notice how I never shared with you my 1478 other great work ideas? Pretty nifty, don’t you think?).

 
Jazz up a dull work day by cleaning your desk. Now I know at first this may seem boring. Or maybe you’re one of those really neat and organized people that don’t have any clutter at your desk so there’s nothing to clean. If that’s you, you’re reading the wrong blog. I’m talking right now to the people who should have cleaned their desk years ago (i.e. people like me).
 

Anyways, I digress. A fun way to clean your desk is to use the interoffice mail system of your company to mail unknowing co-workers the stuff you don’t want. For example, I have sent old 2010 and 2011 calendars to co-workers (for some reason they always figure out it’s me sending these to them). Scrap paper that you’re holding onto is another treasure for someone in your workplace.

Maybe the co-worker(s) you send this stuff to don’t get any mail so this is something that would get them excited (until they open it) and add some whimsy to their day (let’s be real…whimsy can be hard to come by in today’s fast-paced, high-stress office environment).

 
My suggestions are just the tip of the iceberg. Unleash your creativity people! Don’t let your senses be dulled by the drugs your company puts in the air vent (see my expose on this subject:  Drugs in the Air Vents  ). THINK! For once just stop doing what you are told and think of how you can brighten someone else’s day AND clean your desk.

I must go now. There’s a Remembrance Day poppy and plastic mouse on my desk I need to put in the mail.

WTF: The Perfect Notepad

Bewildered? Frustrated? Need a way to express your exasperation with those you work with?

Check out this nifty notepad, perfect not just for the office but for your family, friends and strangers!

Available at Chapter's while supplies last.

Lionel Ritchie: In The Office?

When you think office decor, your first thought is likely "how can I integrate pictures of Lionel Ritchie into my work space?"

Consider using a picture like this on your office wall or even in one of your work meeting rooms to captivate the attention of your colleagues.

By the way, I am not making fun of Lionel Ritchie at all. I am simply saying from the experience of having this at my desk, it is a great conversation starter. For example, if someone comes to your desk because they're going to ask you to do something, they may become distracted by this picture. They may stop mid-sentence and say, "why do you have that picture up?"

This is your perfect chance to change the subject. You can talk about how you found the picture on this super cool blog (note: I am talking about this blog). You can talk about how you love Lionel Ritchie. You can talk about how you like his hair in this picture. You can start singing "Dancing on the Ceiling" and see if a Glee-like spirit takes over your office area and everyone starts singing and dancing along (note: I would seriously be so jealous if this happened to you...seriously).

Hopefully through the art of distraction, your co-worker will leave feeling confused and will forget what they were going to ask you to do! Give it a try. What do you really have to lose?

Janitorial Supply Catalogue - A Way to Liven Up Your Work Day

What could make your day at work better, than to receive this beautiful shipping supply specialist magazine FEATURING Janitorial supplies?! My colleague is so nice. She has decided to give me a page from this catalogue every day as a product of the day.

So, if your work day is dull, why not do something similar? You could send random janitorial supply product pages in interoffice mail (without indicating who it's from) to people that you work with or that you don't know. Try it and see if that doesn't at least somewhat liven up your day.

Note: this is in no way meant to be offensive towards those who are interested in janitorial supply service products.

Help To Get Through a Dull Day

Last year, I posted a My Favourite Things article which listed all of my favourite Dull Co-Worker posts (after all, Oprah isn't the only who can have favourite things).


Since it's been awhile, I thought I would share with you some more of my favourite posts in the hopes that they will help you get through a dull day.


Getting Hammered At Work

The Do's & Don'ts of Office Romance

Today's Work Horrorscope

There's No Accounting For Taste

The Best Birthday Gift

The Continuing Chronicles of Adults Who Have Been Bullied By Children

This post is a follow-up to check on my friend who was bullied by children not just once but TWICE. For more on her saga, please see my post entitled: Adults Being Bullied By Children: The Untold Story.


The Dull Co-Worker (DCW): So how are your wounds healing after the bullying?


BFF (Best Friend Forever): I still get stressed when I see children outside when I go for a walk. So far nothing else has occured. I feel that like the saying goes "time heals all wounds."


DCW: Do you ever see the children who taunted you?


BFF: No. I've never come across the little girl who had the plastic gun, but I have her little face memorized. I can see her mocking me.



DCW: How about the boy who commented on your highlights?



BFF: I didn't see his face because there was a large group of children. But I am getting my highlights done in a month and I am a bit worried. Should I go darker instead of blond?



DCW: It is traumatic when bullying leads to one questioning their next hairstyle. Do you know that my article on you being bullied was my highest post for the month of May (note: I only had one other post that month but I wanted to make feel better so I told her this in hopes of cheering her - plus I was hoping that the bullying didn't stop her from getting the highlights)? How does that make you feel?



BFF: It makes it worthwhile that I endured that pain if I helped one other adult who was bullied by a small child.


Are you an adult who has been bullied by a small child? If you want to share your story and help others around the world who face similar traumas, please email thedullcoworker@gmail.com. Bullying: it's not just involving children anymore.

Staplers - Simply Stunning

Product Review: Swingline 405

As you can see by the picture above, I have a beautiful stapler at my desk! I would like to do a product review of this stapler in case you are ever at Grand & Toy or Staples and are unsure of what to buy.

First of all, what I love about this stapler is that it works (except when it's out of staples).

I also like how it's black, which is a staple colour (not just a stapler colour!) as it goes with everything. Plus, black is slimming! I look slimmer when holding it!

That is my product review.

Oh, one more thing, as I type this, my co-worker (who is not dull), wanted me to remind you to put your name on the bottom of your stapler in case someone takes it accidentally.

Finally, I want to conclude today's post by showing you this heavy duty stapler for larger staple jobs. Beside it is an example of a box of staples. It is always good to have these around.

So my dear friends, I hope you enjoyed this product review. If you have any staplers you'd like me to review that I didn't mention, please let me know.

Oh yes, this is about the stupidest, dullest post I've done to date on this blog. I'm sorry you wasted 5 min's or less of your life reading this. Sorry for your life.

Big Calves & High Boots: The Saga Continues

Back in January I posted a blog entitled Big Calves & High Boot Don't Mix. I didn't think this would be such a big hit. Seriously, can someone tell why this post has become so popular?

I know I posted later in the year an update to my saga and did report later that I somehow lost weight in my calves so that my high boots were starting to fit better, and I could actually zip them up!

Enter, disappointment.

Last night I once again donned some high boots (which I hadn't worn in awhile) in an effort to be chic (a girl can't be dull all the time). Well, once again the cursed big calves came into play and yes, I had problems zipping up the boots. I was bound and determined though that I would not let these big calves and poorly made boots get the best of me, so I crammed every bit of my limbs into them and managed to succeed in zipping them up. Now I was in some pain, mind you, but I was not going to let them stop me!

At this point, I'm thinking I should write a Bridget Jones type diary and see if Rene Zellweger and Colin Firth could capture all of this on the big screen and bring my story to life.

Sample Screenplay:

Rene (playing me...with calf implants, of course) enters a dreary insurance cubicle (resembling my desk area) and says,
"I'm in so much pain...these bloody boots are killing me!"

Colin (playing my love interest and holding some boring insurance papers) stands there with a look of disgust and remarks,
"That is because your calves are so bloody big! It looks like you can't even zip them up all the way. Why are you even wearing those boots? Those are for skinny calved women Bridget. Your calves certainly aren't small!"

Rene (realizing that this is not yet the moment in the movie where they are about to kiss, has a look of contempt towards him and his insurance papers),
"You are such a bloody A&@! Why don't you just bugger off and leave me alone!"

Riveting, don't you think?

Stay tuned....who knows what else will happen in Bridget Jones Diary: Tales from the Big Calved Years.

Adults Being Bullied by Children: The Untold Story

WARNING: This post is very disturbing. Read at your own risk.

Today’s post will deal with a shocking and incredibly alarming new phenomenon that is sweeping across my city: adults being bullied by kids.

Here is my interview with one of the victims of bullying...my forty-something best friend forever (BFF).

DCW: I hear you were recently bullied two times within the same week by children, is that correct?

BFF: That is correct.

DCW: Do you mind if I ask you some questions about it or is it too painful?

BFF: No. A week has passed and the wounds are healing so we can talk about it.

DCW: Tell me what happened on the evening of April 18th?

BFF: I was walking with a friend and we were talking, and I was looking at the people in the yard. This little girl, who looked 7 or 8, had a plastic gun. She looked menacing. She was smart enough to know not to say whatever she was saying out loud as her mother was there and she mouthed the words (not sure what she said) but she snarled when she said it and pointed the gun at me. She was mocking me but I have no idea what she said.

DCW: That is very disturbing.

BFF: Yes

DCW: How did you react?

BFF: I was trying to figure out what she was saying. At first I thought she was cute and was saying something playful until I realized she wasn’t.

DCW: What was the second incident?

BFF: I was walking alone and there were a bunch of kids out playing and one little boy said “hi” and so I responded saying “hi” then another kid said “bye” so I said “bye” and then a third kid said “yeah, your blond is real” and I didn’t respond. What was I to say? “Thanks”? I had no idea so I kept walking. (Note: my BFF has blond highlights. She is now insecure about them).

DCW: Does this make you not want to go for a walk?

BFF: Every time I go on those routes I am very thankful when those kids aren’t out.

DCW: Do you think you would ever say anything to the kids if you saw them again?

BFF: Well, I don’t think I should be bullying kids. Its’ not a good practice.

DCW: Do you think you’ll wear a ball cap to cover your highlights the next time you go on that route?

BFF: I did think of that. My other thought was just to say “thank you.”

If you or an adult you know has been bullied by a child and have been keeping this a secret, know you are not alone. I have started the Adults-Against-Adults-Being-Bullied-By-Children-In-Canada-And-Around-The-World support group. The problem is real and help is available.

My WINNING Work Objectives

I’ve been asked at work to prepare for my performance review by developing my objectives for the year ahead.

This is what I have so far. I know management likes metrics so I put some numbers to it so that it would be more professional and scientific! I don't know if this is what my manager is looking for, nevertheless, this is what I aspire to achieve:

• Obtain a thorough (100%) knowledge of all Billy Ocean lyrics




• Confidently sing above mentioned lyrics when it is played on the old-people's-radio-station that I listen to at work (92.1FM)




• Grow my hair so that it's really long (measure: longer than it is now)




• Increase the percentage of dark chocolate that I consume during the work day when trying to cope with stupidity (i.e. switch from eating 70% dark chocolate to 85% dark chocolate...this is no way a put down on those who enjoy white or milk chocolate)




• Integrate Charlie Sheen references in all (100%) insurance training seminars I deliver




• Buy and wear the Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race For The Cure t-shirt on casual days and create my own Dull Co-Worker International Pro-Am Fun Run Race For The Cure of People Dying of Boredeom and Unappreciation in the Corporate World Around the Globe t-shirt

The Not So Dull Co-worker

How do you react when you’ve always wanted to change your last name (to something that sounds better) and then you do a Google search and find out the person who has your ideal name has your ideal career as a singer, dancer and actress? Not only that, they are way better looking than you are because they were also a model. This woman can probably write better blog posts than I can too! This is what happened to me the other day. I am being serious. I’m not making this up. I wish I was but I’m not. I was innocently working on my next post when I discovered this!


It’s disheartening because everything I’ve always wished I was, I see this other person has accomplished. I can’t say I was in the movie Chicago. I can’t say I performed in the theatre. I can’t say I did modelling for Guess. Although you folks don’t know me so maybe I could say that. What have I done with my life? I’ll tell you.


My first job after university was working at an apple orchard sorting apples (thank goodness I spent four years and thousands of dollars for that experience). This is not the same as Broadway. Of course I did have my six months of excitement working on a cruise ship (see my Love Boat post for more information on that saga) but that was overshadowed by the inane questions and the fact I worked 8 – 16 hours every day for six months.


I am now working at my third insurance company. Of course I do have this blog chronicling how the corporate world has dulled my senses and personality to the point where I write about the mundane (including how my big calves cause me problems when buying high boots and Charlie Sheen...note: the two are in no way related) while hoping Oprah will one day ask me to work for her. I guess that is something this gorgeous, super talented woman can’t say. That’s priceless!

Why Couldn't My Friday Be This Much Fun?

Not sure if you've seen Rebecca Black's "Friday" video. If not, check it out on You Tube and then check out Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon's version from last night. NOTE: Apparently NBC took down the link after I posted this, but if you click here, you should hopefully be able to see it.

Mice at Work

You know you’re in need of an intervention when you voluntarily join the Ontario Insurance Network group on Linked In. I am delving deeper into dullness for sure. Anyways, to combat this, I’ve fortunately found some fodder for today’s post on workplace art. And what better source of workplace art than our company’s lunchroom refrigerator. Take a gander at this! You can see by reading the article, some companies need to start sending out emails like mine did warning employees not to keep food around.

Otherwise, they will have a situation like this...

Blogging Ideas

I read an article the other day where the author shared ideas people could use for their blog posts. This may help me cut down on my posts about Charlie Sheen.

So, for the next while I’m going to be doing a series where I share my thoughts on this blogging article. Yes…it’s true….this will be riveting.

Blogging Ideas to increase posting frequency:

1. News – The latest news in your industry

Being a work satirist, the "industry" I specialize in is work. The latest news is that most people don’t like going to work and if given the opportunity (e.g. winning the lottery) would not go. That is the latest breaking news. I'm being serious.

Other news is that some employers treat their employees improperly and crush their spirits to the point the employee, who once was hard working & enthusiastic, wants to quit so they can work where they are appreciated and compensated appropriately.

2. Reviews: On books or products pertaining to your market

I should do a book review and I will work on that. I should also review work products like staplers, pens, Post-it notes and tape. Watch for future posts on those as well!

3. Predict industry trends

My prediction is that work will continue to exist and the vast majority of the population will have to work for a living.

I also predict that some workers will continue to have their senses dulled by the drugs that companies put through the air vents that end up causing apathy and lethargy so that employees never leave.

4. Write about the historical changes in your industry

The history of work is that it’s existed for a long time (this is true and if you don't believe me, check Wikipedia). In North America, we seem to work more than our friends in other parts of the world (translation: we’re stupid).

5. Define terms that people new to your industry may not understand

Computer = a device to used for work purposes and not for writing a blog or surfing the internet for updates on the latest Lindsay Lohan or Charlie Sheen escapades

Pen = an instrument used to record work related thoughts, ideas, or notes in meetings to show you’re hardworking and that you “care” about what is being discussed; these instruments are NOT to be used to gouge your eyes out when your work is driving you crazy and you can’t take it anymore.

Is Charlie Losing His Sheen?

I have to point out right away that the title of today’s post has nothing to do with what I'm going to write about...sorry, I just wanted to use that title. One day when you have your own blog you too can write anything you want...it's quite enjoyable actually.

Anyways, I was contemplating how Charlie has made the word WINNING popular. I have my own catch phrase which can be used at work: WHINING!

It seems to fit scenarios where one thinks the following thoughts: "when will this meeting be over?", "why am I even in this meeting?", "why do I work here?", "why is this technical person talking about Java and they aren't even referring to coffee?", "why don't we have a milk steamer and cappuccino maker here at work...I can't believe I'm forced to work under such conditions!", "why is getting a physical at the doctor's less dreadful than coming here to work every day?"

Maybe I should apply to be Charlie’s intern after all…now THAT would be WINNING!

Happy Friday

As I've done in the past, I want to post a "pretty" work place picture that is totally WINNING!

If you have any beautiful work place art you'd like to send in for me to post, please email thedullcoworker@gmail.com.

Happy Friday!

Spoiler Alert! Top Secret Bachelorette News!

I’m not sure if you’ve heard the news that the new Bachelorette, Ashley Hebert, was just announced the other day. What ABC didn’t reveal is this: I, the Dull Co-Worker, was being considered for the show. Instead of having someone glamorous on the show, they were going to go with the opposite - having someone dull.

Apparently someone from ABC had been reading my blog and was intrigued with how I’m trying to make working in insurance cool, I have big calves that prevent my boots from zipping up, and how I wrote an email to the Dairy Board of Canada complaining about the hard to open milk carton containers (update on that saga: no response yet from the Dairy Board…what is up with that? What could they possibly be so busy doing that they can’t respond to this inquiry? They don’t fix the stupid containers which have been the same since the 70’s so I’m not sure how they don’t have time to respond to me?????).

They were also impressed by my empire strategy (this involves me becoming friends with Oprah and establishing a similar empire) and me starting my own clothing and fragrance line specifically targeted to those workers who want to look and smell dull and dreary.

I do wish Ashley the best of luck being the Bachelorette. I am sure she’ll do a wonderful job. Meanwhile I will continue to give my life toiling alongside the people trapped in insurance Canada….come to think about it, that would be a great idea for my own reality show…."Insurance Canada: Something This Boring Has Got To Be On TV”…now that’s a catchy name…watch out ABC!

Colander of Excellence

It's not uncommon to have hard work go unnoticed in the workplace. Sometimes, the "wrong" person is recognized causing a tide of ill-will and possibly even passive aggressiveness. Sound familiar?

To combat this very scenario, one of my readers and his colleagues took matters into their own hands. Apparently, their company rewarded their organization's "Cup of Excellence" to someone the employees felt was undeserving.

To rectify this situation, they created this trophy and presented it to the individual they felt deserved to be recognized for plugging the holes: a Colander of Excellence! Well done!

Recognition: having your moment in the sun isn't always a good thing