Milk It For All It's Worth

Now that I'm done the cleanse, I'm back on the dairy. One of the things that drives me mad though is opening milk cartons. Or should I say struggling to open milk cartons. Am I the only one who struggles with this?

Why do they have to use super-strength glue? Are these the same people who make the impenetrable plastic that protects the hotel room soap (for more on this, see my November 16th blog)?

In order to save my fellow man from this plight, I just sent the following email to the Dairy Board of Canada:

Dear Dairy Board of Canada,

I am a big fan of your product, however, I do have a grievance. Why is the glue on the cartons of milk so strong that it's difficult to open the carton? Why after all these years and all the available technology in the world can you not come up with milk cartons that are easier to open?

It is frustrating sometimes and I don't understand why it has to be this way. Are there any plans on changing the packaging in the near future or should I just switch to soy milk? The soy milk manufacturers really have great packaging for their product.

Thank you so much for your consideration of this matter.


To be continued....

Who Needs a Library Card?

Who needs a library card when you have a world of poignant literary classics at work...

You can't help but see the intrigue, drama and possibly even romance in these work place manuals...

Big-Calf-High-Boot Update

If you read my blog from the other week (Big Calves & High Boots Don't Mix), I'm sure you're dying to know what has transpired in this area of my life (I guess what I'm assuming is that your life is as dull as mine...sorry about that).

Well, it seems like not even my best friend realized the gravity of this situation. Because the picture I included in the blog had a picture of me wearing pants and not being able to zip up my boots, she thought I only encountered this problem when wearing jeans or pants.


Truth be told, I should have been more clear. I encounter this problem of not being able to zip up my high boots even on my bare skin! Yes! It's true! I'm embarrassed and frustrated by my big calves. It's not fair I'm not one of those skinny calved women. I work out, try to eat right and yet nothing I do can make my calves smaller. Why???

I also want to mention how I was fascinated by the popularity of that post. Perhaps others out there are experiencing the same thing. Maybe they are moved by my shocking disclosure about this highly-sensitive-yet-severly-underpublicized-due-to-excessive-Kim-Kardashian-coverage issue. I can only hope this message reverberates around the globe and boot companies everywhere make wider boots....then we can all zip up a little easier.

The Unwanted Volunteer

I don't know what the deal is with all the places I've offered to volunteer at in the past few years. I've been rejected from at least four different organizations that have expressed a need for volunteers.

I've tried for years to assist at some of these non-profit organizations (I'm persistent!) and they tell me that my help is not needed (they lie because I hear radio ads for some of them saying they need help).

Or they say they will contact me in the "future"and the "future" never seems to come. This sounds suspiciously like the men who've said to me "Let's get together sometime. I'll call you." But the call doesn't come. Perhaps these non-profit organizations think I'm trying to get a date. Maybe they think I'm confusing their organization with eHarmony. Could that be the problem?

I know what you're thinking. It's me. It's not them, it's me. Could this have something to do with my unusually big calves and my boots that don't zip up? Seriously people, what does this say about me? Do you know how hard it is on one's self-esteem when no one wants your help and you're offering your time and effort for free...they're not even paying you. It's tough being repeatedly rejected like this.

Maybe I'll seek counselling from a therapist to help sort this out. Or maybe I'll just show up at their organization and help anyways. Or maybe I'll just sit on the couch and watch Oprah while eating gluten free snacks and bingeing on herbal tea. That will show them!

Survival of the Fittest

One of my dear friends has a blog called Simply Nature where she shares beautiful pictures she's taken of birds, animals, and nature scenes. I was joking with her the other day that I will have an Office Nature segment on my blog. She thought I was kidding...until today!

As luck would have it, my brother-in-law just sent me this picture of two plants that are in his boardroom at work. Office Nature at it's best!

Does this mean his workplace is choking the life out of every living thing? He writes, "I guess in business some survive and some don't. This applies to the plant world as well."

Great observation and great picture (note: this is why it's essential companies give employees BlackBerries...so they can use them to take important pictures like this).

If you have any moving or entrancing work scenes from your office that you'd like to share with the world, get out your iPhone or BlackBerry, snap a picture when no one is looking and send it to thedullcoworker@gmail.com.

How to Make an Impact at Your Next Meeting

Are you wanting to impress your co-workers at your next meeting or company lunch? Why not try these simple and stylish tumblers for your beverages:

Accent the tumblers with ultra-chic coasters made from eco-friendly, paper towelling gently torn at the edges to create a classy finish:

This is So Hot

For the past couple of months I've been going to Bikram hot yoga classes. They are 90 minutes long and made up of a series of 26 poses which are done in a room which is heated to about 95- 100 Farenheit.

There are numerous benefits of doing this class one of which is to detoxify the body. If you've read my last two blogs, you'll see that apparently I'm really into detoxifying lately (even though I seem to enjoy ingesting toxins).

What I do like about the class is that I leave feeling incredibly calm and relaxed (likely this could be achieved by simply having a glass of wine but for some reason I didn't think of that before I joined the studio...bummer).

These types of classes are very different than most yoga classes or fitness classes. In an effort to keep my readers informed, I am sharing my obeservations:

1. Most people who go to these classes, especially the regulars, are basically naked. I envy their comfort with their bodies and their ability to strip down to next than nothing in front of strangers. Sadly, there's no one who looks like Jake Gylenhal or Ryan Renyolds in any of the classes I've attended. Their lack of a wardrobe also gets me thinking...will I one day be one of these people? I currently have a strong attachment to clothing when in public. Not sure if that makes me odd or not.
   
   
2. One of the male instructors wears a Speedo-like bottom and nothing else. Am I the only one who finds this distracting, perplexing and even a tad disturbing?
   
   
3. The teachers are mean. They don't let you talk, wipe the sweat from your brow and you can only drink water when told. They also tell you not to leave the room. It's like you're in the military. Yet we all put up with this. Why? Why don't we all revolt? What would they do...not let us practice yoga?
   
   
4. The yoga people are very serious. Smiling is rare. I try to smile as much as possible just to throw everyone off.
   
   
5. Apparently the studio I'm at was rated one of the top places in my city to pick up. Really? I'm covered in sweat, my mascara is running so I look like I'm part of a low-grade-Canadian-horror flick and my hair is wet and dishelved . Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm not smelling the best. And I'm hoping a man finds me attractive like this...how desparate would he have to be?

Chronicles of the Even Duller Co-worker

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm on a cleanse which means I'm insane enough to willingly deprive myself of everything meaningful in life as I know it (OK, so I am exaggerating just a tad...I tend to do that).

Anyways, I am convinced this lack of sugar and caffeine, etc. is hindering my abilities. I am duller. My blogs I try to write aren't funny. Like this blog you're reading. I can't make it funny even if I tried. In fact, I've tried all week to write something funny and I can't do it so I finally decided to post this blog even though it's not funny.

Are you finding this funny? Are you laughing? Are you smiling? No? I don't blame you. I'm not either. This is lame.

What's there to laugh at when there's no sugar in your body?

What's there to laugh at when the world is visiting Starbucks getting high on caffeine through lattes and you're not?

What's funny when everyone is eating gluten or chocolate but you?

What's there to laugh at when you're spending a fortune eating healthy?

And who are these people who say a cleanse makes you feel more energetic and less tired? Why don't they write my blog and go to work for me while I stay home and sleep?

No Sugar Added

To ensure my life is as dull as possible, I've decided to go on a cleanse. This involves me giving up sugar, caffeine, salt, red meat, dairy, gluten, alcohol and basically everything fun in life for two weeks.

Unlike fellow blogger, Marion Lawrence who wrote about how jazzed she was being on the cleanse, I am on day four and cannot report the same level of enthusiasm. I'm trying to see this in a positive light like Ms Lawrence.

For any one out there who are thinking of doing a cleanse/de-tox, I recommend the following to put some "fun" in your cleanse (note: I am being extremely sarcastic when I use the word "fun"):

1. Trick yourself into thinking herbal tea is a "treat". This takes alot of mental efffort as shown in the complex diagram below.


2. Stare at people as they drink their StarBucks. Be careful not to let them see you drool.


3. Reflect on the good times in your life...like when you ate cheese. Plan what cheeses you will eat after the cleanse.


4. Eat a nut & seed bar (this is another item I have come to think of as a "treat") and contemplate how it strangely resembles bird seed.


5. Try not to be bitter with others who are not on a cleanse, especially when they complain about anything....they at least have the joy of eating sugar, gluten and other banned substances....how dare they complain!
   
6. Wonder what is so bad about toxins in your body anyways...I actually quite enjoy them...maybe someone should start a "Toxins for Everyone!" movement.
   
7. Question your sanity for even taking part in such a foolish venture...after all, shouldn't a detox only be for famous celebrities like Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan.
   
8. Think about what you're going to eat as soon as you're done the cleanse...will it be bread, cheese, coffee?
   
9. Contemplate how this blog could have been funny if I had sugar and caffeine in my body.
   
10. Scan the internet for medical studies advocating a "work de-tox/cleanse.

Desk Makeover Contest Winner!

As you may recall, in October I launched a hugely successful desk decorating contest where I urged readers around the globe to submit pictures of their desks in the hopes they would win a desk makeover from The Dull Co-worker.


Due to the lack of a mathematically based skill testing question, submissions were lower than anticipated. Nevertheless, the following winner from Canada submitted this photo:



While I have not yet travelled to the desk locale, I am going to suggest the winner does a DIY (Do It Yourself) based on the following instructions below.


Clearly this fellow is in need of some decorating assistance. This desk lacks clutter and is too clean. It is sad that you can see the desk. Desks should just exist but not be seen (isn't that a popular saying by someone).


I recommend that desks always be covered in paper to give the illusion of copious amounts of work being done. The type of paper could be spreadsheets with complex data, it could be manuals, it could be expense reports, mail or receipts...just whatever you're feeling at the moment. It could be white paper or coloured paper if you want to add a little bit of flair! It could be shiny paper, flat paper or even textured paper. Basically, just take paper that has something on it that looks work related and scatter it. Make it whimsical.


If you are one of those unfortunate souls who has everything organized in folders, just take some contents of a folder and place them in a willy-nilly manner on the desk NOTE: do not put them into any sort of neat pile or place them perfectly straight on the desk. You want to avoid symmetry and perfection at all costs. The truly brilliant desk decoraters of our time would agree with me on this and if you don't believe me, I urge you to contact them.


The next step would be to add post it notes of all shapes and sizes around the monitors. Add some non-sensical sayings or words from your favourite song if you want to jazz up your space.


You may also want to add some wallpaper. Wallpaper is back, as popular interior designer, Melissa Hare indicates in her October Hare Styling blog. Why not add a pattern that was popular in the 80's such as the one below. Using the wallpaper as a backsplash behind your computer will create a kitchen type feel.

Finally, you must add the finishing touches to your work space by adding something unique and timeless to your chair. For this I recommend a blanket. This will be helpful if you get cold, it adds a punch of frivolity and most importantly, it doubles a cape if you want to pretend you're a super hero and get the heck out of the office in a hurry!

The Year of the Dull Co-worker

So I'm feeling really jazzed about the new year. I'm feeling this will be the dawn of a new era in my mind-numbing career. Why is that you ask? Well, as the new year approached, I found it essential to "hire" two individuals to manage my life. This shows how high maintenance I really am.


Both of these individuals are my co-workers and must put up with me every day. This is no small feat. The one co-worker I promoted to Life Manager (she was previously my unofficial Life Coach) and the other is the Assistant to the Life Manager.


Both ladies were ecstatic beyond belief at these "promotions" (note: they actually displayed little ecstasy and a whole lot of confusion but I thought it sounded better saying they were really thrilled about the whole thing...I should also note they both refused to let me set performance objectives for them ...I guess they are a bit insecure about their new promotion so I will cut them some slack for now).

Anyways, I am thinking 2011 will be a spectacular, Over-The-Top (OTT) year because:


1. I have taken time to declare my resolutions to the world (see my December 29th New Years Resolutions post...please know dear readers, these are REAL resolutions...I wouldn't make up stuff like starting a flash mob at work or encouraging fellow co-workers to burst into song during dreary meetings as if we were on Glee...after all, why should the people on TV be the only ones who get to have fun...why can't people who toil in the thankless and severly undertelevised insurance industry have fun too???).


2. I have "hired" (I use quotation marks because I am actually not paying them so technically they aren't really "hired") my Life Manager and Assistant to the Life Manager. This will no doubt propel me into cosmic bliss.


Case in point...when I was just talking to the Assistant to the Life Manager, I came up with this superb idea: next year, with the help of Oprah and Gayle and all the new friends I will make on Oprah's network, I will come out with a CD. The CD will be of me reading my Dull Co-worker posts!

What this means is that you will be able to listen to me talk about my work vignettes as you drive in your car to work. Or when working out. Or at home with your family. What a beautiful gift that would be. Isn't that a brilliant idea? Maybe I will even make this available for download on iTunes.

See, this Life Manager and Assistant to the Life Manager thing is working out for me already. It's inspiring me to come up with greater and greater ideas.


Stay tuned for more great ideas...possibly involving the development of a room fragrance that smell like bacon and eggs...

Big Calves & High Boots Don't Mix

As I mentioned in my New Years Resolutions post the other day, I have big calves which prevents me from being able to zip up my high boots. Since I am dramatic, over-the-top and have a tendency to exaggerate, some people do not believe me when I write about my embarassing predicament. So, I thought I'd take a picture of my big-calf-high-boot problem to show readers it is real. This does exist.

This picture shows that my calf is way too big for this boot and I can't zip it up.

Does anyone know of any type of diet plan I can go on to lose weight in my calf, specifically in my left calf which is bigger than the right?

Does anyone else out there suffer with this malady? If so, please email me. We need to band together and get high boot companies to feel empathy for others like me who suffer with this affliction which is particularly exasperating in the cold Canadian winter months. Together we can make this a thing of past and women everywhere will be able to zip up their boots with joy and ease!