"Sorry For Your Life" Greeting Cards

So one of my ideas for my Empire is to have a Greeting Card division. It will be called “Sorry for your Life” greeting cards. These are some of the cards you'll see soon at a store near you:

“Congratulations”
- Congratulations on getting into debt!
- Way to go on gaining all that extra weight! I knew that with the right combination of emotional eating and take out, you could do it!

"Encouragement"
- Never give up. If you really focus and try hard enough, you too can procrastinate .
- Your life is a mess…on the bright side, it can’t possibly get much worse.

"Love & Romance"
- I’m not that into you…and it IS you it’s not me.
- Diamonds are for as long as you need them to be
- Have I told you lately that I love you? No, I haven’t? I guess that’s because I don’t.

"Valentines day"
You’re a wonderful stalker! At least I have someone in my life.

"Friendship"
- Have I ever thanked you for being you? Looking at how messed up you are sure makes me feel better about myself.

"Work"
- Sorry you work in insurance.
- Sorry you didn’t get that promotion but the other person was better.
- Life is full of happiness…but not if you’re working here.

"Divorce"
- Separation is better than unity

"Anytime"
- Sorry you know me
- Sometimes life is full of disappointments…this card is just one of them

The Love Boat

I have something to confess. The Dull Co-Worker hasn’t always had a “dull” job. Back in the 90’s she used to work on a cruise ship.

While it sounds like a dream job, truthfully, I barely made it through my six month contract. My job was a Purser (note: this has nothing to do with co-coordinating handbags with ladies outfits). This is similar to working at the front desk of hotel but with a few other things thrown in: handling cabin changes, exchanging money, cashing traveller’s cheques, handling lost luggage (by this I mean, breaking it to the passengers while we’re out at sea on the first night of the cruise that the airline lost their luggage; then being yelled at by the passenger for this mishap and for the poor seating arrangements on their flight – because it’s clear I orchestrated the whole ordeal and I did it on purpose…clearly), counting the casino winnings at the end of the cruise and assisting with customs and immigration.

In theory, it sounds like a pretty good gig. After all, I didn’t have to pay for food, rent and I had my cabin cleaned twice a day. I got to see beautiful scenery and occasionally even make it off the ship to visit these idyllic destinations.

One of the downfalls was sharing the cabin (which was the size of a walk in closet) with my co-worker and her boyfriend; working about 70 hours a week with not one day off in six months; having to follow what I call “stupid” rules like not being able to carry a bottle of water with me when walking in passenger areas for fear passengers would see me with it (God only knows what people would think of the cruise staff if they found out they were mere mortals and consumed water like everyone else); another stupid rule I didn’t like was if we were off duty, we had to wear our name tag on our bikini so that passengers would know we were staff…seriously..a name tag on my bikini???

What I found the most challenging was taking the complaints and answering the following bizarre questions without showing any hint of disgust. Here are some of the questions that I received on a regular basis which made me wonder how on earth these people survive in their everyday life:

1.“What time is the midnight buffet?”

2. "What time to do the waves stop?” Note: after having many passengers show anger towards me because I didn’t know the answer to that question, I started responding “At two o’clock ocean time.” None of the passengers ever clued in that there’s no such thing as “ocean time.”

3. “Tell the Captain to drive better. It’s too wavy and I paid a lot of money for this cruise! “ Yes, because a Greek shipping officer will listen to some twenty something Canadian girl when she gives him suggestions on improving his navigation skills.

4. “Do these elevators go up AND down?” I’m not making this up.

5. “Does the crew sleep on board?” Where else would we sleep? In the ocean?

6. “Do I have to go to the mandatory boat drill?”

7. On a day at sea: “What time will the mail be picked up today?”

8. On the third day of a four day cruise in the Bahamas: “If I mail my postcard today, and I live in L.A., will it make it home before I do?”

9. When completing a custom’s declaration form: “What do I put under ‘name and address’?”

10. “What do I do when the phone in my cabin rings?”

11. “When I walked into my cabin, the phone was ringing. Do you know who was calling me?”

12. “How much does it cost to call another cabin?” My favourite response given facetiously by a co-worker: “If the cabin is close to yours, it’s a local call and there’s no charge. But if you’re at the front of the ship and the cabin you’re calling is at the back, it’s considered long distance.”

So there you have it folks. Life wasn’t dull but it wasn’t the Love Boat either. I wonder if Gopher felt the same?

Dull: The New Cool

When growing up, I always thought – no, I actually knew – that growing up I would be one of those people who had a really cool job. You know, the kind of person who has a job everyone is envious of. The kind of job that pays a lot of money and it doesn’t even feel like you were working. The kind of job that is glamorous and exciting.

Now let’s talk about my reality. Almost all of my jobs have been overwhelming dull and the furthest thing from “cool” you can imagine. In order to rectify this, here is what I’m proposing: we change the way we look at dull. Dull will become the new cool. In fact, I’m going to start a new movement in North America where people with jobs they find dull are revered by all. I am going to start a Dull to Cool Movement (DTCM).

This is an example of the type of conversation I envision happening as part of the DTCM:

Mike: “My job is so flippin’ boring. I go to work and feel like I’m going to lose my mind because it’s just so...dull.”

Jim: “Wow. That’s cool! You are SO lucky! I wish I had a dull and boring job!”

I also envision the following:

- those with dull jobs being approached by top fashion designers and being asked to wear their ensembles to work

- those with dull jobs being featured on Entertainment Tonight, Inside Edition, and Access Hollywood to show everyone how hip and trendy it is to have a dull job. We can see highlights of their day...driving to work through heavy traffic, sitting at their desk reading mind-numbing emails , enduring non-relevant-waste-of-time meetings, talking about things they care less about yet trying to give an “I really care about this” look, and driving home to return to their other responsibilities.

- those with dull jobs being closely followed on Twitter by their legions of fans. They would post things like “ I just returned from a disorganized meeting run by someone who is being paid way too much to be in a leadership position.” And “Just had a prioritization meeting where we discussed how the code for TBM and WXY needs to be merged.”

- those with dull jobs being excessively photographed each day as they walk into work on the plush grey, dirty pavement with the look of dread etched deeply into their drawn out faces. These photographs would then be sold for thousands of dollars to People magazine.

- those with dull jobs being asked to appear in reality TV shows so everyone could live vicariously through them. After all, not everyone is fortunate enough to have a job they don’t like. Some poor people actually enjoy what they do. Bless their hearts.

So, please support me and become active in the DTCM. Dull...the new cool.

DCW Launches Clothing & Fragarance Lines!

It appears that some celebrities have created alternate careers besides being a songstress, actress or socialite. So, the Dull Co-Worker (DCW) has taken it upon herself to launch two new business ventures as well! Watch out Hollywood! I'm putting Kitchener on the map!

Following the ever wise and thoroughly knowledgeable fashionistas in Hollywood, the Dull Co-Worker is going to launch a clothing line. This will certainly rival such American celebutantes who have clothing lines like Kim and Kourtney Kardashian, and the in-and-out-of-trouble-with-the-law stars Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton (note: the Dull Co-Worker is hoping there is no correlation between having a clothing line and having someone accidentally put cocaine in your purse). Other popular stars with clothing lines include J Lo, Hillary Duff and Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.

I want to be clear that while no one from Holloywood has approached me or indicated there is a need for my fashion line, I'm pretty sure there is a gap of dull work clothes in the fashion market which I can fill. To test my theory, I Googled "dull work clothes" and to my delight found there was not one single clothing line espousing to fill this niche.

Not to slam celebrities, but their clothes cannot be worn to work for most of us who work in a dull work environment. If you wear something too flashy or "risque" in the corporate world, people (and by "people" I mean women) will talk about you behind your back or to your face and comment on the inappropriateness of your attire.

Maybe the straps on your sundress are too thin revealing too much of your shoulder (and we all know alluring those are...I think it's because they are attached to your arms???). Heaven forbid this part of your anatomy be too conspicuous when at work. Better to keep the shoulder a mystery to your co-workers (and leave them wondering if you actually have them...maybe start some rumours around the workplace..."hey Bob, I think Shelia has shoulders but I'm not sure, I've never seen them. Wish I could. Shoulders are hot!"). Anyways, we all know that inapt fashion at work could have a major negative on the share prices of your corporation and be a detriment to all stakeholders. That's pretty obvious.

The other Dull Co-Worker business venture is a fragarance line. Popular celebrity perfumes include those by J Lo, Britney, Celine, Shania, Kim Kardashian and of course, Mariah Carey. If this idea is good enough for Mariah, then count me in (after all, who doesn't respect Mariah Carey?)!

Kim Kardashian is quoted as saying she wanted "something rich and creamy and sexy, but still youthful" for her perfume line. Well, my perfume, called "Dull and Dreary" can be described as "poor, lumpy and asexual. Perfect for the boardroom or for being bored in the workplace."

Many workplaces currently have an anti-fragarance policy so my fragarance will be so non-aromatic that it will be acceptable in the workplace...it will virtually be like you're not wearing perfume at all.

So go ahead and douse your hidden shoulders with some Dull & Dreary to liven up those work meetings...while wearing your dull clothing, of course. Available soon at Wal-Mart!

Drugs in the Air Vents?

The Dull Co-worker, dear readers, has uncovered a huge scandal. This scandal has not been reported in any way shape or form by the media. It will be revealed to you right now as you keep reading.

Here it is. It’s my belief for that many companies pump drugs through the air vents at work. This keeps workers sedated so they don’t look for another job. So many people I know complain they don’t like their job and they don’t do anything about it. They don’t come up with a strategy for gaining employment with Oprah (like I have done). They just sit and complain day after day, month after month and year after year.

Do you know why this is? It’s because these helpless employees are continually in a drug induced stupor which dulls their brains. Scientifically speaking, the drugs deactivate the part of one’s cerebral cortex which thinks “I deserve more than this. This isn’t what my life is supposed to be. I need to get out of here NOW!”

My theory is clearly illustrated in the below diagram:

Because the brain is not functioning the way it was intended, employees continue to work in jobs they don’t like and spend many hours of their week in misery. Their thoughts are limited and they think there are no choices for them to gain employment in what actually interests them.

What happens when people go on vacation and spend a fair amount of time outside of work (i.e. away from the evil influence of the drugs from the air vents), they begin to see their lives differently. They are happier. They have thoughts of doing other things with their lives. They feel free. But soon after their return to work, they forget their hopes and aspirations. They forget because of the drugs!

So although it's important to fight the war on drugs that are on the street negatively impacting the lives of our children, it is important to rise up as a nation and fight the war on drugs in the workplace. Just say no to drugs and yes to the rest of your life.

For The Love of Insurance

I do apologize if I seem anti-insurance in my blogs. I realize that could offend insurance lovers out there, many of whom I work or have worked with in the past. I want to make it clear that I do actually love insurance products. I personally have a lot of insurance. I have it for my car, my house, medical, life, and I never book a vacation without also having trip cancellation insurance.

I realize that insurance does play an important role in our society and protects us from unforeseen dangers. We need these people who like insurance to work at insurance companies. They play an important role in this world and as a nation, we should wholeheartedly lavish these insurance lovers with our undying support.

So if you do work in insurance and find it interesting, please do not be offended by what I write in my blog. I may think that the Solid Fuel Heat Questionnaire is dull but I could be totally off base. Or, asking me to read the Animal Feed Exclusion or Sewer Back up endorsement may cause me to become faint and grow weary but that doesn’t mean this is dreary reading material. Not in the least! Heck, why do I even buy People magazine when I can bring this stuff to the beach with me to read?!

I only wish I did find this riveting. I have prayed many of days that my mind would be transformed to love the rules, regulations and intricacies that make up this industry. So, pray for me dear readers. Pray that my mind become illuminated and enlightened. Pray that my spirit may rise up out of the doldrums and soar on the wings of insurance wordings, schedules and broadforms (whatever they are...I hear this term alot so I just threw it in)! Pray that I receive an insurance miracle!

Warning Labels For Insurance Emails?

One of the things which I find amusing is the confidentiality warning paragraphs companies put on the bottom of their emails. Here’s an example:

Confidentiality Warning: This message and any attachments transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual(s) or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error please delete this message and any attachments. If you are not the intended recipient, you are notified that any review, retransmission, conversion to hard copy, copying, circulation or other use of this message and any attachments is strictly prohibited.

The information in this email is confidential and may be privileged. It is intended solely for the addressee. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient, any disclosure, copying, distribution or action taken or omitted to be taken in reliance on it is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by calling....blah, blah, blah.

In the case of insurance, I think this verbiage should be changed to a warning label. You know, like the ones found on medication that warn about the harmful and sometimes lethal side-effects of the drugs.

It should warn people that by receiving the message from the intended recipient and by actually reading the contents you may experience: boredom; depression; lethargy; spontaneous sleepiness; excruciating dissatisfaction with your life; anxiety because you’re really not sure how you can quit your job and still afford to live; the desire to eat chocolate; the desire to run away and never come back; and, racing thoughts of how you could possibly slip out of the office, go the liquor store, consume copious quantities of wine, and return to your desk without anyone noticing.

It also says the information “may be privileged”. Really? Like it’s a privilege to receive these boring emails and actually have to read them? Like that should make me feel good??? What a privilege indeed to read about the subtle nuances of the Ontario garage automobile policy.

What I find mystifying is the part which warns you are not to circulate the email if you are not the intended recipient. Why would you want to circulate that type of email if it wasn’t for you and you received it in error? I guess there’s always the possibility you could use it as hate mail to send to someone you don’t like.

For example, if some guy indicates he would like to go out with you, you give him your number but then he doesn’t call you, you could forward this insurance email as a passive-aggressive way of letting him know he is a you-know-what. Note: this is extreme! You would really have to be ticked with a man to send him this type of email!

Sending an unintended recipient an email laden with insurance content is on the same level as giving someone the finger. Too bad you couldn’t do that when driving and someone cuts you off. If only there was some way in which you knew the driver’s email address.

You could then say “Screw you buddy...I’m forwarding you the wordings for the Gross Rentals with Actual Loss Sustained endorsement as soon as I get to work! “ or “Thanks for not signalling you moron! I have policy wording on fungi and fungal derivatives I’m going to email you. That will show you!”

Now if people did that, I think there would be many more good drivers on the roads. After all, who would want to risk being an “unintended recipient” of this type of email?

So there you have it folks. A very clear solution to North America’s driving problems.